Welcome to the Week 9 main slate. Halloween has come and gone. But we’re keeping the spirit alive with tricks and treats courtesy of the NFL aesthetic.

A quick note on methodology.

As always, I’m analyzing every NFL uniform matchup and picking a winner against the spread based on who dresses best. And just because a team is ranked higher in the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings doesn’t mean it will automatically win the uniform matchup. It’s what you wear in the instant matchup that counts.

Week 9 Uniform Matchups and Picks.

Starting out Week 9 on a high note with two strong uniform teams showing the benefits of complementary contrast. The Raiders deserve credit for teeing up orange Bengals elements to shine. But Cincy is the pick.

The more this season goes along, the more it feels like we’re going to look back on it and wonder how the Bengals could’ve let a prime Burrow year go to waste. It’s far from over though. A win against lowly Las Vegas puts Cincinnati right back in the AFC Wild Card chase. Speaking of Chase, look out for a nuclear Ja’Marr game leading the way to the cover.

The Pick: Bengals -7

Any other time of the year, this Chargers-Browns matchup likely comes out on top (more on that below). But it will have to settle for the best of the week shortlist. Cleveland can do no wrong in orange-brown-orange. And kudos to the Chargers for answering in white.* There’s no wrong answer here, but Los Angeles is my highest ranked team for a reason.

Browns may have a new lease on the 2024 NFL season with Jameis under center. But the result of this one will ultimately determine whether they’re sellers at the trade deadline. With Jim Harbaugh, Justin Herbert, and the sneaky great Chargers defense** coming to town, consider me on fire sale watch.

*I know others wanted yellow pants here. But I prefer Los Angeles providing a true foil to let Cleveland shine rather than pants battling for vibrant supremacy.

**Top 3 in both EPA per play and success rate.

The Pick: Chargers -1

A different NFC East team is getting all of the throwback hype this week. But don’t forget the Triple Mismatch Club royalty that is this Giants throwback. Still waiting on the Commanders to try gold pants with this look. Though even if they went for it here, New York is the pick regardless.

It’s going to be hard for the Commanders to top the high from that Hail Mary victory. But anything is possible as they move closer and closer to a playoff berth. Giants feel like a football operation on borrowed time. But anything can happen in a divisional game. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

The Pick: Giants +4

Dolphins at Bills is nothing to write home about. But it’s a solid AFC East uniform matchup. Miami’s look has somewhat grown on me but can’t shake the belief they’re not living up to their full potential. And while I can nitpick some things* with Buffalo, the Bills are the pick here.

If the Dolphins want to retain any outside chance at playoff contention, they need to pull off the upset in Buffalo. Problem is, I don’t see Josh Allen allowing that to happen.

*Primarily the unnecessary navy accents.

The Pick: Bills -5.5

Cowboys at Falcons in one of the most lopsided uniform matchups of the week. Thanks to Dallas continuing to be the most complementary team in the league, the color combo here at least works - but think about how much better would things be with the Falcons throwbacks.* Cowboys run away with it.

While the uniform matchup has room for improvement, this is an intriguing football game. We’re reaching now or never territory with Dallas. But I continue to think the Falcons are a touch overrated. Atlanta’s defense can be had - especially against the pass. I like Dak and CeeDee to keep the Cowboys relevant - at least for now.

*Those light blue pants playing off the red helmet would’ve led the way in locking up the Triple Mismatch Club game of the year.

The Pick: Cowboys +3

For the first time since 2022,* we’re getting white jerseys over gold pants from the Saints. And for the first time since 2020, we’re getting gold pants Saints against silver pants Panthers.** I could nit this or pick that. But I’m just going to sit back and enjoy the all too rare occasion of a well dressed Saints-Panthers game. Let’s call this one a tie, so higher-ranked Carolina gets the nod.

While the uniform matchup came through, this is a contender for grossest game of the week. Derek Carr may be back for New Orleans, but his early-season dominance feels like a million years ago (and a flash in the pan). Meanwhile, Carolina has never felt more lost. But if anything could get them right, it’s divisional game wonkiness and this stale Saints team.

*Worn once that year - against the 49ers in gold pants. Because of course.

**Obligatory Burl Ives reference.

The Pick: Panthers +7.5

Black and white Jags against Kelly Green Eagles is as lopsided as it gets. While I understand Philly wanting to schedule an aesthetic boost in a game that was supposed to be more of a marquee matchup coming into the season, it’s still a shame to waste these glorious throwbacks against such a soulless wardrobe.* Eagles all the way.

Jacksonville showed signs of life against the Packers. But it all feels too little too late. Philadelphia had their best game of the season in an absolute beatdown of the Bengals. And I expect a similar shellacking against a different big cat.

*Most weeks I’d criticize the Jags for omitting teal. But teal pants would’ve made for a distracting pairing with Kelly Green. So I’ll begrudgingly credit Jacksonville for blank slating this thing and allowing all focus to land on the Birds.

The Pick: Eagles -7

Bears at Cardinals in a battle between two teams that refuse to mix up their pants. In fairness to Chicago, they are absolutely wearing the ideal combo for a game against Arizona. But the Cardinals continue to be maddening in their refusal to work white pants in with this look.* It’s Da Bears.

I’m sure the Bears haven’t fully recovered from last week’s Hail Mary loss to the Commanders. And they’ll be champing at the bit to get their minds off of it. The Cardinals are looking to win their third game in a row. But the defense continues to be a major vulnerability (and in desperate need of help on the edge**). If the Bears can keep Caleb upright, I think they beat Arizona outright.

*I’m still standing by to elevate Arizona to the top half of the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings. The white uniform is fantastic. The black uniform is one of the best in its class. But this red unitard is such a drag.

**Make a splash, Chef Monti.

The Pick: Bears +2

Just once I would like to see the Rams rock their yellow pants against the navy Seahawks. Instead, we’re left with a whole bunch of blue. While it’d be much worse if Los Angeles still utilized navy instead of royal, the failure to take full advantage of complementary contrast lands this one as the worst of the week runner-up. With the Rams being primarily to blame for this situation, giving the nod to the Seahawks.

Don’t look now, but the NFC West - top to bottom - is the most competitive division in football. I could genuinely see any of the four teams taking the crown (and wouldn’t shock me to see that happen at 8 or 9 wins). For this one, I see it as a total toss-up (and Vegas largely agrees). No complaints about getting points with the home team.

The Pick: Seahawks +1.5

Lions and Packers each embodying my pet peeves. Detroit with white practice pants. And Green Bay with lighter helmet over darker unitard (plus a classic* case of just because it’s a throwback doesn’t mean it’s good). Lions are the choice for me. Would be one of my favorite uniforms with a pant stripe and and even I must admit that it looks sharp on the screen regardless.

With or without Jordan Love,** this is the game of the week for me. Battle for the NFC North crown. And the winning coach assumes pole position for Coach of the Year in my book. Difference in this one comes to ground games for me. With Sonic and Knuckles, the Lions boast the best running book duo in football*** and lead the league in EPA per rush. While Josh Jacobs is no slouch, he’s banged up and the Packers are middle of the pack**** in rushing efficiency. With margins this close, give me the team that will chew your leg off. Give me the Fightin’ Dan Campbells.

*Pun intended.

**All signs are pointing Love starting. But even if that changes, we’re in good hands with Malik Willis. Believe it or not, Willis has been one of the most efficient players in football this season - leading all quarterbacks in EPA per drop back.

***And quickly becoming my personal all-time favorite.

****I can’t help myself.

The Pick: Lions -2.5

Colts at Vikings is a solid uniform matchup. But every time I look at the hypermodern Vikings I think about what they’re leaving on the table.* Colts do no wrong in road white. And they take this one with ease.

I’ll be honest, I would’ve been perfectly content with the league leaving Jags-Eagles in primetime. At least we would’ve gotten to see those Kelly Greens under the lights. Instead, we get a showdown between two teams that I predict will be watching January football from their couches. I still believe in Anthony Richardson long term (and personally would’ve let him work through his growing pains in this non-contender timeline), but I recognize that Joe Flacco provides a more stable hand in the interim. Sam Darnold and the Vikings offense are coming** back down to Earth, and I think this one devolves into a rock fight. As such, I’m content to ride with the savvy vet and the points.

*I am once again asking for white masks and the Northman on the sleeve. And I’m open minded about the number font. But it’s time to move on from the negative space nightmare.

*Possibly crashing after a season-ending injury to Christian Darrisaw.

The Pick: Colts +5.5

Party like it’s Super Bowl LV. Curious to see if the Chiefs go red bodysuit to shake up the mojo and avoid an aesthetic carbon copy of their loss to the Bucs in the big game.* No matter which pants direction they go, Tampa Bay gets the nod.

The Chiefs continue to be inevitable. And the Bucs season seems to be slipping away after losing both Chris Godwin (for the season) and Mike Evans (for an extended period). But I’ll never count out gunslinger Baker when it comes to a cover - especially with this Chiefs defense being more middle of the road against the pass.

*Personally rooting against it. Contrast is king. And the red bodysuit is a bit much.

The Pick: Buccaneers +9.5

NOTE - the Chiefs have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Worst NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 9.

As a sign of the rising tide of the NFL aesthetic, the hardest thing to do this season has been picking worst of the week matchups. Sure, there have been handful of train wrecks. But the majority have been poor combo choices or otherwise mediocre offerings. And this Pats-Titans matchup falls into that non-train wreck bucket. If anything, the Titans should be commended for the light blue pants. But Tennessee still leaves way too much to be desired from a design* perspective. And there’s a touch too much navy overall.** Far from worst of the year but someone has to occupy the seat of shame.

Another contender for grossest game of the week (this one aesthetically and otherwise). Two Bottom 7 offenses in points scored, EPA per play, and success rate. At least that’s right up our alley for purposes of the under.

*I will never understand that “do not disturb” door hanger side panel.

**Looking at you, New England.

The Pick: Under 39

NOTE - the Patriots have yet to reveal their choice of pants. But team graphics and history both suggest a high probability of navy.

Best NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 9.

As noted above, any other week I would’ve crowned Chargers-Browns. But the commitment to the Halloween bit never goes unnoticed - or unrewarded. Orange pants for the Broncos* are the perfect seasonal complement to the black and purple of the Ravens. And I fully expect these colors to pop on the screen. Here’s to keeping the spirit of fall alive heading into November.

As much as I’m looking forward to this uniform matchup, I’m even more excited for the game itself. It features my most anticipated “side of the ball” showdown of the week: Broncos defense against Ravens offense. Denver’s defense is the best it’s looked since the 2015 Super Bowl season** - first in EPA per play, second in sack rate, and fourth in success rate. But Baltimore’s offense is equally impressive and bookended by the MVP and OPOY frontrunners. Your guess as to whether we clear the number is as good as mine, but I have faith in Lamar and King Henry showing us the way. And don’t sleep on Bo Nix doing his part to pitch in.

*By far my favorite road combo of the new wardrobe. And the ability to mix and match has been a game changer for Denver.

**That group isn’t talked about enough as one of the greatest single-season defenses in league history.

The Pick: Over 46

The Gridiron Uniform Database.

Uniform graphics seen here are courtesy of The Gridiron Uniform Database. If you’ve never paid their site a visit, stop what you’re doing right now and check it out. Best site on the Internet and an invaluable resource to uniform nerds and casuals alike.

Coming Attractions.

You know the drill. Back on Thursday for Bengals at Ravens - and the debut of the purple Ravens helmet.

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