Welcome to the Week 8 main slate. And Happy almost Halloween. We’ve got a fair share of sharp uniform matchups and top shelf individual uniforms. But keep your head on a swivel; I’m seeing trap games all over the place. Let’s dive in.

A quick note on methodology.

As always, I’m analyzing every NFL uniform matchup and picking a winner against the spread based on who dresses best. And just because a team is ranked higher in the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings doesn’t mean it will automatically win the uniform matchup. It’s what you wear in the instant matchup that counts.

Week 8 Uniform Matchups and Picks.

Might as well start with the return of the White Bengals against the Midnight Green Birds. While the Kelly Green throwbacks* would’ve made this a uniform matchup of the year contender, this is still a sharp showdown. I won’t go against White Bengal until Cincy loses in them (and even then would be hard to pick against them in most matchups), so the Bengals are an easy choice.

Cincy is 4-0 all time in a White Bengal uniform. When the Uniform Gods speak, listen.

The Pick: Bengals -2.5

Jumping from White Bengal to Bucco Bruce. It’s a fun day for individual uniforms, and few looks hold a more special place in my heart than the Creamsicle Bucs.* And they’re the obvious pick here.

Absolutely gutted for Chris Godwin. And losing Mike Evans for an extended period of time is pouring salt on the wound. With these pass catcher injuries and a short week, the deck is stacked against the Bucs. But this should force the Bucs to lean on their three-headed monster** running back room against a Falcons defense that is Bottom 8 in EPA per rush. If there is a path to a Tampa Bay victory, it’s on the ground.

*Young NFL Fashion Advice was a big pirate guy. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Pittsburgh Pirates could do no wrong in my five-year old eyes. And I certainly didn’t care that both teams were awful in the mid-90s.

**Can’t decide between CeRBerus or Kings Ghidorah for Rachaad White, Bucky Irving, and Sean Tucker.

The Pick: Buccaneers +2.5

In the latest example of no thought going into the overall uniform matchup, both the Titans and Lions are wearing blue pants. Silver pants from the Lions would’ve made this much more tolerable. And navy pants from the Titans on top of that would have made it a solid color combo. As disappointed* as I am in the Lions blueberry addiction, there’s no way I’m going with Tennessee. Detroit by default.

The Fightin’ Dan Campells are the toughest show in town.** And the Fleein’ Brian Callahans*** might be the most hapless show in town. Boat race incoming.

*But not surprised. Was hopeful the new wardrobe would inspire more silver-blue-silver games, but Lions players can’t quit the Blueberries. And to be fair, it’s hard to argue with the results.

**With the Vikings losing to the Rams on Thursday, teams that play the Lions this season are 0-5 when playing the following week.

***Everyone involved with the firing of Mike Vrabel should to take a long look in the mirror.

The Pick: Lions -11.5

I fully recognize that the Texans are the new shiny toy going against the timeless look of the Colts. But I just can’t quit that darker shade of Deep Steel Blue. May feel differently the next time Indy and Houston meet in these outfits. But for Week 8 of 2024, give me the Texans.

I’m still all in on my Texans Super Bowl pick, but I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t a little concerned about the play calling and offensive line. Lucky for Houston, here come the Colts and their basement dwelling run defense. Look out for a big Joe Mixon game and an explosive or two* from CJ Stroud.

*Or three. Or four. Or five.

The Pick: Texans -4.5

In one of the more lopsided matchup of the week, the classic road uniform of the Packers against the teal unitard of the Jags. Green Bay in a no brainer.

This is a trap game if I’ve ever seen one. Packers coming off an emotional, hard fought win against a very good Texans team to go on the road against a disjointed but still talented Jacksonville team. Have to hope the jet lag from two weeks in London and Doug Pederson’s continued ineptitude clear the way for a Packers cover.

The Pick: Packers -3.5

Missed opportunity for a sneaky good uniform matchup with the Dolphins in aqua. But no surprise to see them in white at home. I’m going to keep asking for the Cardinals to mix in white pants with this look. And I’m going to keep being disappointed when they refuse to do so. Miami it is.

The Cardinals are coming into this one off short rest following a Monday Night Football rock fight. And the Dolphins are coming into this one with the return of their sorely missed quarterback.* I expect Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle to show what we’ve all been missing in Tua’s absence.

*I know I speak for everyone wishing the best of health to Tua in his return.

The Pick: Dolphins -4

Holding out hope for the Patriots to keep the silver pants going, but New England hasn’t earned the benefit of the doubt. The Jets primaries have felt a touch underwhelming since the appearance of the Classic uniform two weeks ago. But I’m still a sucker for that helmet - especially the white mask. New York is the pick.

Jets are running out of time to turn their season around.* And a loss to the Patriots would be stake meeting heart. Fortunately for New York, the Pats have the worst offensive line in football. Get-right game incoming for the Jets defensive front.

*Frankly, it already feels over.

The Pick: Jets -7

NOTE - the Patriots have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Another lopsided uniform matchup. The Saints again refuse to wear gold pants. And the Chargers again look fantastic in powder blue. Los Angeles in a landslide.

After that dismantling at the hands of the Broncos, it’s hard to have much optimism about the Spencer Rattler-led Saints. And now they have to deal with a hard-nosed, Harbaugh-led Chargers team coming off a loss. Something tells me the Bolts are about to take their frustration from Monday night out on New Orleans.

The Pick: Chargers -7

Would’ve preferred to see the Seahawks run back the gray pants. But at least they made this decision even easier than it otherwise would’ve been. Bills are the pick.

While the uniform decision is an easy one, the game itself feels more like a toss-up. After a rough three-game stretch, the Seahawks reacquired their groove in Atlanta - with Geno Smith looking especially sharp. While the defense against Kirk Cousins and the Falcons looked more like the defense from the first three weeks of the season, Josh Allen is a horse bison of a different color. I think the gravity hammer is the difference in this one and the key to the cover.

The Pick: Bills -3

Chiefs-Raiders is as timeless and classic as it gets. And a textbook case of complementary contrast. These teams are AFL royalty and landed safely on the best of the week shortlist. I’ve got this one scored as a dead heat, so tiebreaker goes to the higher-ranked Raiders.

I’ll be honest; I was hoping for a few more points. I’ll be even more honest; you could double the line and I’d still feel apprehensive about riding with the Raiders. At least divisional games are a crapshoot. Plus Maxx Crosby* always finds a way to get under the skin of Patrick Mahomes.

*Problem is I think Maxx would prefer to do that in February - preferably while wearing Honolulu blue (excuse me while I shamelessly wish cast to buffer my Super Bowl pick).

The Pick: Raiders +9.5

NOTE - the Chiefs have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Panthers at Broncos in a sneaky good uniform matchup. Was rooting for blue pants from Carolina, but this will certainly do. And Denver is an ideal complement in anything orange. Broncos are the pick, and I’m excited for these colors to pop on the screen.

The Panthers are arguably the worst NFL team I’ve seen. While this sneaky good uniform matchup could technically turn into a sneaky trap game, I can’t wrap my brain around Bryce Young and this Carolina offense moving the ball against this Broncos defense - Top 4 in both EPA per play and success rate. I’ll be the first to eat crow if Bryce and the Panthers prove me wrong. But rout watch is on.

The Pick: Broncos -10

NOTE - the Broncos have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

The quest for the uniform matchup of the year threepeat ends here.* Still an elite showdown, but that extra gold element pushes things into aesthetic immortality. With the Niners in this outfit, I would have loved to see the Arctic Cowboy look from Dallas for a spiritual successor to the 1994 NFC Championship Game.** All of that said, I couldn’t be more excited to see this on the Sunday Night Football screen. Niners are the pick, and we’re in for a treat under the lights.

Can’t say that I had the 3-3 Cowboys against the 3-4 49ers on my 2024 bingo card.*** But here we are. Applying the eye test (and the recent history between these teams), this is San Francisco’s game to lose. And the advanced stats confirm what we’re seeing - 49ers are Top 10 in EPA per play and success rate while the Cowboys are Bottom 10 in each. Factor in that Kyle Shanahan has Mike McCarthy’s number, and we should be sitting pretty. But it’s been one of those seasons.

*Gold pants from the Niners and they would’ve stayed in the running. When San Fran shook up their uniform schedule with the red throwbacks against the Cardinals, I was hoping their red primaries would slot in against Dallas and they’d save the other red throwback game for Detroit.

**Or go all the way and pair silver helmet and pants with the Arctic Cowboy jersey.

***Dallas admittedly isn’t all that surprising. But I didn’t see a year from hell coming for the Niners.

The Pick: 49ers -4.5

Always a delight to see one of the best blackout uniforms in the game. After the gray mask/block number throwbacks last week, it’s clear the Steelers are not messing around in primetime. The blue-white-white Giants never stood a chance. Pittsburgh all the way.

Don’t look now, but here’s another trap game. The Steelers are coming off an evisceration of the Jets on Sunday Night Football. And the Giants appear rudderless. But Dexter Lawrence has been playing like the Defensive Player of the Year, and Pittsburgh has no clear answers to block him. So hold on tight and hope that Russ has some elusiveness left.

The Pick: Steelers -5.5

Worst NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 8.

Reserving the right to make a change if the Bears surprise us with white pants …

For the third year in a row, the Bears and Commanders are serving up a worst uniform matchup of the week.* Chicago has made a habit of landing here this season through no fault of their own. But assuming they don’t treat us to white jersey-white pants for the first time since 2009, they do share some blame contributing to such a dark and dreary affair.** Above all, this one is about the Commanders and arguably the worst uniform in the league. Mismatched and mailed-in sleeve patches, bizarre snakeskin camo patterns, and the worst helmet logo situation I can remember. While black uniforms are a bit played out, I’m the furthest thing from an anti-blackout uniform person. They fire up fans, they sell well, and they can contribute to solid uniform matchups when used sparingly and contrasted well. But these Commanders rags are an unmitigated disaster.***

As disappointing as this uniform matchup is, the possible absence of Jayden Daniels would be even more so. Instead of 2024 pick number one against 2024 pick number two, we’d be get 2024 pick number one against 2015 pick number two. While Marcus Mariota played well last week, the Bears defense is not the Panthers. Still holding out hope Daniels can give it a go. But as an under bettor, I think we’d find the silver lining.

*I was genuinely hoping that the Bears would rock the radioactive orange outfit to complete the trilogy.

**If the Bears do come through with white jersey and pants, this one still likely lands here courtesy of Washington. But then it would certainly be no fault of Chicago.

***The real shame here is that this matchup could’ve been workable with the Commanders in their new go-to combo of burgundy-burgundy-gold.

The Pick: Under 46

NOTE - the Bears have yet to reveal their choice of pants. As touched on above, it would be an ideal time for Chicago to go white jersey-white pants. But not going to hold my breath.

Best NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 8.

Happy Halloween from the Ravens and Browns. Something about black, purple, brown, and orange that perfectly captures the fall football aesthetic. And this may just be the best uniform matchup in the AFC North - high praise in the best dressed division in the league. Consider the uniform matchup of the year application received.

The Ravens once again have the look of a juggernaut.* Lamar Jackson and Derrick Henry are the best QB-WR duo in football.** The offensive line is holding strong. And the pass catchers are sharing the spotlight. If there’s a slight chink in Baltimore’s armor, it’s a defense that hasn’t quite found its stride since Mike Macdonald’s departure. And while the Browns offense has been anemic to date, enter Jameis Winston - the ultimate boom or bust chaos agent. A couple of booms and this over should be light work. Fire away, Jameis.

*But look out Baltimore. In a week filled with trap games, here’s another.

**And the current frontrunners for MVP and OPOY.

The Pick: Over 44.5

The Gridiron Uniform Database.

Uniform graphics seen here are courtesy of The Gridiron Uniform Database. If you’ve never paid their site a visit, stop what you’re doing right now and check it out. Best site on the Internet and an invaluable resource to uniform nerds and casuals alike.

Coming Attractions.

You know the drill. Back on Thursday for Texans at Jets.

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