Every NFL season, Week 1 comes along, leaves a first impression, and sends everyone into a take frenzy that inevitably goes cold. So every year we must remind ourselves to channel Mac from Always Sunny: science Week 1 is a liar sometimes. With that in mind, let’s roll.

A quick note on methodology.

As always, I’m analyzing every NFL uniform matchup and picking a winner against the spread based on who dresses best. And just because a team is ranked higher in the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings doesn’t mean it will automatically win the uniform matchup. It’s what you wear in the instant matchup that counts.

Week 2 Uniform Matchups and Picks.

This is a uniform matchup I can get behind.* While not quite best of the week, it’s certainly on the Week 2 shortlist. Chargers are the choice, but top marks all around.

I enjoy players that have the ethos of a fullback. And it appears that Jim Harbaugh has imparted the ethos of a fullback to his entire Chargers team. The Panthers on the other hand look like a group that came into the season ready to waive the white flag. Unfortunately for the Panthers, the Bolts don’t appear to be in the business of offering quarter.

*Always a parody of myself when it comes to anything light blue.

The Pick: Chargers -4.5

The runner-up for Week 2. As sharp and classic as it gets. Crisp colors with textbook complementary contrast. Could go either way here, so I chalk it up as a true tie. The higher-ranked Packers take it in a tiebreaker.

As someone that genuinely enjoys both of these teams, it’s a bummer that someone has to leave here 0-2.* It’s even more of a bummer that Jordan Love left Brazil banged up. I was a big believer in Malik Willis during the 2022 draft. But I will be the first to admit there does not seem to be much long-term viability there. With that said, his athletic prowess combined with Matt LaFleur’s play calling intrigue me on a short-term basis.

*Tie incoming.

The Pick: Packers +3

Las Vegas can sometimes underwhelm on the road, but the silver and white pair perfectly with the Plutonian purple of Baltimore. Speaking of which, I’ll always have a hard time passing up the Triple Mismatch Club Ravens. And they’re the pick here.

Ravens hung with the heavyweight champion Chiefs until the very end. And the Raiders have a bona fide case for worst team in the league. A get-right game has never been served on a more silver* platter.

*See what I did there?

The Pick: Ravens -8

Uniform matchups don’t get much more one-sided than this one. The Browns live up to their reputation as Triple Mismatch Club royalty while the Jags - yet again - omit the their best color* altogether. Cleveland in a no brainer.

Two teams with playoff expectations enter. One 0-2 team will leave.** The Browns - and especially Deshaun Watson - looked awfully inept in Week 1. It could be that the Cowboys are just that good. But if Cleveland struggles against the Jaguars as well, expect a long year by Lake Erie.

*And one of the best colors in the league.

**Another tie incoming.

The Pick: Browns +3

The only thing keeping this matchup from worst of the week is gray pants for the Patriots. Still dark and dreary overall, but saved from the cellar in consideration of New England’s improved decision making. Let’s hope gray pants finally become the new normal.

That Bengals game feels like a Week 1 fluke (and the ender of many survivor pools). But the Patriots have no shortage of defensive talent. And Rhamondre Stevenson looked like his old self. The Seahawks looked equally potent on the defensive end in Week 1. So loving the under in this one. But I can live with the Pats and the points with the gray pants - and by extension the Uniform Gods - on my side.

The Pick: Patriots +3.5

So long as the Vikings come through with white pants, this is a sharp uniform matchup. The Niners are the clear choice, but I’m looking forward to seeing this one in action.

CMC going on injured reserve is a bummer for San Francisco. But Jordan Mason showed on Monday Night Football that he is perfectly capable of shouldering the load in his absence.* The Vikings looked fantastic on the road against the Giants - offensively and defensively. But I won’t buy in until they do it against a legitimate contender. The Niners fit that bill, and I like them to take care of business. But if Minnesota keeps it close, they’ll have my attention.

*Shanahan running backs strike again.

The Pick: 49ers -4.5

NOTE - The Vikings have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

The regular season debut for the Jets in Legacy Green. And it comes on the road against the Titans in their stormtrooper whites. Jets by a parsec.

If the Death Star is any indication, home games tend to not go well for stormtroopers.

The Pick: Jets -3.5

Another week. Another missed opportunity by the Saints to wear gold pants.* Thanks to the complementary Cowboys, this one still works overall. And Dallas is the pick.

If the Saints throttling of the Panthers is who they really are, this could be the game of the week on paper. But something tells me beating up on hapless Carolina won’t translate against a Dallas team loaded on offense and defense. Consider me unconcerned about laying the points.

*Would’ve been especially sharp here and landed this one on the best of the week shortlist.

The Pick: Cowboys -6

We’re about to make history, folks. For the first time as the Commanders, Washington will be wearing yellow pants. And believe it or not, I’m going with the Commanders in honor of the occasion.* The Washington wardrobe still has no shortage of flaws, and the yellow pants would be greatly improved with stripes. But I’m in the business of rewarding good aesthetic behavior. So I’ll take these baby steps from Washington.

I have a feeling the Uniform Gods are going to reward the Commanders in this spot. And after their smiting of the Giants last week, who am I to question the Uniform Gods?

*Make no mistake, I prefer the Giants look over the Commanders. But I’m still recovering from that monstrosity in Week 1. And, as always, they could use gray pants.

The Pick: Commanders -1.5

I’m digging this uniform matchup.* Loved the look of the new Broncos wardrobe against Seattle last week. And love even more that they’re forcing the Steelers to wear black at altitude in September. Uniform strategy at it finest. The Steelers admittedly have the better look, but - as a uniform pettiness connoisseur - I have to roll with Denver in this one.

It’s hard to fully gauge how good the Steelers defense is after just one week. But if the opener was being honest, the Pittsburgh stop unit finds itself in the best-in-the-league conversation. Bo Nix looked rough in spots against the Seahawks and will have his hands full in this one. But he showed some promise with his mobility and plays out of structure. If Sean Payton can lean into those aspects and rely more on the run game, they could surprise some people this week.** Plus the Denver defense looked solid.

*Will retract this statement if the Broncos go with navy pants. But I have a hard time seeing them going with anything other than orange or white.

**And don’t forget that the Steelers are the ultimate “play to competition” team. Often good against good teams and mediocre against mediocre teams.

The Pick: Broncos +2.5

NOTE - the Broncos have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

We’ve seen this Bengals-Chiefs uniform matchup in the postseason at times over the last few years, so it’s odd seeing it this early in the season. Orange and red showdowns are built to clash, but Cincy comes through on the mitigation front pairing the white jersey with white pants. And the icy white Bengals - one of my favorite looks in the league - are the choice here.

The crash and burn at the Full Bengal debut has many asking if the Bengals are in trouble. But people forget that Cincinnati notoriously starts slow in the Zac Taylor/Joe Burrow era. And - say it with me, folks - Week 1 is a liar sometimes. The Chiefs appear to be the same old world beaters, but that’s a whole lot of points for arguably the best non-divisional rivalry in the league.

The Pick: Bengals +6.5

My thoughts on the radioactive Bears alternates are well known. But if we’re forced to get them at some point during the season, I see the logic behind breaking them out against the navy Texans. Speaking of Houston, the icy whites are working for me. That Deep Steel Blue really pops against Liberty White and Fallout Orange. Texans all the way.

The Texans gutted it out against a division rival in Week 1 and looked the part as a team with Super Bowl aspirations. But I’m most intrigued to see the Bears in this one. Caleb looked rough in his debut, but there are always going to be bumps in the rookie road. If Chicago’s defense and special teams can pull rabbits out of their hats all season, then this team doesn’t just have to rely on their wunderkind signal caller and may be even more of a contender than I originally thought. But the Texans are not the Titans.

The Pick: Texans -6.5

Falcons at Eagles rounding out the week in a lopsided matchup on Monday Night Football. Atlanta has one of the worst wardrobes in football, and their icy whites can’t mask the glaring flaws. Midnight Green Birds in a landslide.

Tale of two Week 1s. Eagles expected to bounce back this year and got off on the right foot winning a South American shootout. But the Falcons - and especially Kirk Cousins - expected to be the toast of the NFC South town and looked like a mediocre mess amassing only 10 points at home.* Kirk’s bread and butter is the under-center, play-action game. But he lived in the shotgun and pistol in Week 1. Something tells me he’s not fully recovered from injury.** And the Eagles are about to take full advantage.

*Admittedly against the new age Steel Curtain.

**Don’t look now. But Atlanta’s next three opponents after the Eagles are Kansas City, New Orleans, and Tampa Bay. Michael Penix awaits.

The Pick: Eagles -6

Worst NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 2.

When the schedule dropped, I was rooting for the blue-white-yellow Rams against the Ninja Cardinals. Instead, we’re stuck with the bad-to-the-bone Rams against the same-old-unitard Cardinals. As far as Rams bone uniforms go, the blue pant iteration is their best (even with insufferable gradient stripes). So white pants for Arizona would’ve actually made this one tolerable. But it seems the Cardinals are set on not shaking things up. I’m not about to give up though. I still believe in this wardrobe. But for now, they’re dragging this matchup to the bottom of Week 2.

Both the Rams and Cardinals are coming off close games against league juggernauts. So it’s tough to have a good read on either team. But I personally think both have viable playoff aspirations (Los Angeles more so than Arizona). For the first time in his Cardinals tenure (and NFL head coaching career), Jonathan Gannon is in charge of the betting favorite. But he’s going to need to overcome historical trends to prove Vegas right. The Rams are 7-1 against the Kyler-led Cardinals. With their tendency to frustrate Kyler, I can get behind this under.

The Pick: Under 48

Best NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 2.

Thank you to the Lions* for coming to their aesthetic senses with blue over silver and making this week’s choice for best uniform matchup an easy one. Pewter versus silver with delightful pops of red and Honolulu blue gives us a new leader in the best of the year clubhouse.

Bucs-Lions delivered a sneaky great game in the Divisional Round last year (and cleared this number to boot). While I’m bullish on both of these defenses longterm, a shootout feels very much in play - especially with how sharp both offenses looked in Week 1. Do your thing, Uniform Gods.

*First of many best of the week appearances for this Detroit wardrobe.

The Pick: Over 51

The Gridiron Uniform Database.

Uniform graphics seen here are courtesy of The Gridiron Uniform Database. If you’ve never paid their site a visit, stop what you’re doing right now and check it out. Best site on the Internet and an invaluable resource to uniform nerds and casuals alike.

Coming Attractions.

You know the drill. Back on Thursday for Pats-Jets.

Subscribe and share this newsletter far and wide. And always remember: Look Good. Feel Good. Pay Good.