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- Bets Dressed - Week 14 - Uniform Matchups and Picks
Bets Dressed - Week 14 - Uniform Matchups and Picks
We’re in the home stretch now. Last bye weeks of the season. And only five main slates remaining. From a pure football perspective, it’s going to be hard to top Packers-Lions. But let’s appreciate what we have while we have it - another NFL Sunday filled with good games and even better uniform matchups.
A quick note on methodology.
As always, I’m analyzing every NFL uniform matchup and picking a winner against the spread based on who dresses best. And just because a team is ranked higher in the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings doesn’t mean it will automatically win the uniform matchup. It’s what you wear in the instant matchup that counts.
Week 14 Uniform Matchups and Picks.
Uniform Graphics by The Gridiron Uniform Database
There’s no way we’re topping the snow globe spectacular from Week 12. But Browns-Steelers Part II is still going to look fantastic on the field. I was tempted to double them up in bests of the week this season, but these AFC North squads will have to settle for the shortlist this time around. I score the matchup as a virtual tie, so tiebreaker goes to the higher-ranked Browns.
It’s Week 14. The Browns are 3-9. And they are arguably the most exciting ticket in town. Jameis is chaos personified. And out of that chaos, Jerry Jeudy is finally living up to his WR1 potential. The Steelers will be out for revenge over the loss two weeks ago. But divisional games are always close - especially in the best dressed division in football.
The Pick: Browns +6.5
Uniform Graphics by The Gridiron Uniform Database
Party like it’s the 2003 NFC Championship Game (though with different pants for the Panthers). Speaking of those pants, kudos to Carolina once again for their willingness to mix things up this season and lean into the best color in their palette. Process Blue and Midnight Green will make for a fun pairing. Eagles are the pick, but this one is going to look sharper than people expect.
Eagles-Lions is the NFC Championship Game we deserve. But before we can even think about that, the race for the one-seed needs to be settled. Detroit is setting the pace, but the Bird are right behind them with an easier schedule down the stretch. Can’t overlook trap games like this one though. Carolina has come to life in recent weeks, but Philly should be aware. This isn’t last year’s Eagles team, and I like them to keep their foot on the gas after a big win and not underestimate the Panthers.
The Pick: Eagles -13.5
Uniform Graphics by The Gridiron Uniform Database
Jets at Dolphins in an AFC East uniform matchup that leaves me a bit underwhelmed. New York’s helmet continues to be the star of the redesign. But that jumbo white collar still holds the entire look back. The Dolphins are held back by issues of their own - most glaringly striping that doesn’t feature enough orange and a logo that’s better served for a wildlife organization. Going to give the nod to the Jets, but don’t be surprised if they fall in the Power Rankings next season.
It’s now or never for the Dolphins. Five games to shock the world - two of them against these Jets. New York has nothing to play for beyond being a spoiler. And if you’re going to spoil someone, it might as well be a division rival in their house.
The Pick: Jets +6.5
Uniform Graphics by The Gridiron Uniform Database
Another week. Another missed opportunity for the Saints to break out gold pants, which would’ve looked especially sharp against the royal blue of the Giants. But at least it makes the decision easy: Giants all the way.
Saints-Giants always makes me thinks of shootouts between Drew Brees and Eli Manning. It’s safe to say Derek Carr and Drew Lock are not those guys. But don’t be shocked if the rock is flying all over MetLife. If Malik Nabers is able to go, I like him to play a big part in keeping New York close. If he doesn’t, time to hold on for dear life.
The Pick: Giants +5.5
Uniform Graphics by The Gridiron Uniform Database
Falcons-Vikings is not my cup of tea. Much too dark with the Vikings going with the purple bodysuit (and that black mask isn’t helping to mitigate the dreariness). But the bigger culprit is Atlanta. With the Commanders and Titans making decisions to improve their basement dwelling wardrobes, the Falcons are in legitimate danger of occupying No. 32 on the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings. Worst number font in the league, jumbo ATL wordmark, and Panelist Era apologia all make a strong case. But the coup de grace may be the elite throwback sitting right there showing the type of look Atlanta foregoes to wear this shlock on a week-to-week basis. Much to think about this offseason.* But for now, it’s a lost uniform matchup for these Falcons and a worst of the week runner-up spot. Minnesota by default.
The Kirk Cousins Bowl. I would’ve called it the Kirk Revenge Bowl, but Robert Mays and Derrik Klassen made some of my favorite points of the week on The Athletic Football Show: (a) can Kirk really want revenge on the Vikings after the coffers of coin bestowed upon him during his time there and (b) are we sure Kirk doesn’t want more revenge on the Falcons for introducing the Michael Penix storyline to this season? Speaking of Penix, how is Atlanta not giving him a go? Hard to imagine he lowers the floor much, and he would raise the ceiling immensely. I’ve talked about my skepticism of this Falcons team all season; something just looks off. And that something is primarily Kirk looking like an actual statute in the pocket. With the Vikings pass rush bearing down upon him this week, prepare for carnage.
*Holding out hope they go five-and-done and roll out a redesign in their first year of eligibility.
The Pick: Vikings -6
NOTE - the Vikings have yet to reveal their choice of pants.
Uniform Graphics by The Gridiron Uniform Database
This is more like it, Seahawks. While the wardrobe still leaves much to be desired, gray pants on the road are the ideal choice against the Ninja Cardinals. And saving us all from another dark and dreary affair is greatly appreciated. I’m getting closer and closer to crowning Arizona’s blackout look the best in the league, and they’re the choice here.
Winner leaves town with the lead in the most tightly contested division in football. The Seahawks survived an ugly one in New York. And the Cardinals let one slip through their fingers in Minnesota. But not enough people are talking about this Arizona defense and the coaching job of Nick Rallis.* With arguably the least talented defense coming into the season, Rallis has the Rush ‘n’ Crush Cardinals playing like a top-half unit. And I think they keep Geno and Co. at bay en route to the cover.
*If I’m a team in need of a culture reset and a long-term rebuild, I’m seriously considering Dave Sears at GM and Nick Rallis at Head Coach for a Cardinals package deal.
The Pick: Cardinals -2.5
Uniform Graphics by The Gridiron Uniform Database
Bears at 49ers is a stone cold classic uniform matchup that is safely on the best of the week shortlist. Bears navy works as a sharp complement against the red and gold of the Niners. If a couple of privateers weren’t getting together in the Gulf, Chicago-San Fran very well may have occupied the top spot. But the shortlist will have to do. Niners are the pick.
It pains me to find myself on the opposite side of an interim coach game. But I go where the Uniform Gods take me. And I’m going to need their almighty power to withstand a post-Eberflus Bear attack.
The Pick: 49ers -3
Uniform Graphics by The Gridiron Uniform Database
Bills at Rams in one of the games of the day. But the uniform matchup doesn’t quite speak to me. With the Rams in so much royal, white pants would’ve been the move for the Bills. But with those gradient numbers staring me in the face, Buffalo is still the pick.
As noted above, this game has the potential to be a doozy. Josh Allen is the MVP front runner. And Matt Stafford can still rip it. The Bills need to keep pace with the Chiefs to have an opportunity to steal the one-seed. After taking care of business against one NFC West team in a lake effect snow storm, I like the Bills to do the same here - only this time from sunny California.
The Pick: Bills -3.5
Uniform Graphics by The Gridiron Uniform Database
Not in the same class as their uniform-matchup-of-the-year contender from earlier this season, but this is still a top-shelf uniform matchup (so long as the Chiefs keep the red bodysuit in the closet). Chargers are the pick. And looking forward to seeing this one under the Sunday Night Football lights in Arrowhead.
If the Chargers want to keep their longshot AFC West title bid alive, they need to win this one against the Chiefs. And if you haven’t figured it out at this point, please allow me to remind you: never underestimate Jim Harbaugh.
The Pick: Chargers +4
NOTE - the Chiefs have yet to reveal their choice of pants. Wouldn’t shock me to see Kansas City break out the red bodysuit for Sunday Night Football. But hoping clearer heads prevail.
Uniform Graphics by The Gridiron Uniform Database
Bengals at Cowboys in an excellent uniform matchup.* Shortlister in a loaded best of the week class. If the Cowboys went with their primary home whites, this would’ve been a lock for the top spot. I love the Arctic Cowboy alternate, but that hint of light blue from the primary pants would’ve put the matchup over the top. Regardless, this one is going to look phenomenal under the lights (and in Springfield on Disney+). Giving the edge to the Bengals for those pops of orange.
It’s hard to believe the Bengals are actually going to waste this Joe Burrow season. But those are the breaks of the game. The Cowboys are clinging to a miracle late season playoff run. However, Cooper Rush under center makes it feel dead on arrival. In a battle between two teams that are effectively eliminated but still have the capacity to lie to themselves, consider me content to ride with Burrow and the boys.
*And the first ever Simpsons simulcast.
The Pick: Bengals -5.5
Worst NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 14.
Uniform Graphics by The Gridiron Uniform Database
Jags-Titans is painfully soulless. All sorts of darkness with a touch of redemption from light blue. Speaking of, credit where it’s due to the Titans for working in that light blue where they can this season (and saving us from a worst-of-the-year contender by hiding away the navy jersey). But the flaws of the uniform - especially the lifeless navy helmet, “do not disturb” door hanger side panels, and two-tone “sword” shoulder yoke - can’t save it from the spot of shame even with the presence of a nice shade of blue. The ultimate bad guy in this showdown is the black and white Jags uniform. Been saying this for years, but - from afar - you would never be able to guess that the uniform belongs to the Jacksonville Jaguars.* And that says it all. Here’s to future redesigns for both of these teams.
Might have to call this one the Colorado Buffaloes Bowl because both of these teams have their eye on the top of the draft where both Travis Hunter and Shedeur Sanders will be waiting. With two matchups in the next four weeks, getting swept would likely help long term more than getting a win or two. But this is the National Football League. When they roll that ball out, the guys on the field are doing everything in their power to win. But you can only do so much with the talent you have. And that’s especially true under center. With Mac Jones and Will Levis at their respective helms against two capable defenses (at least on their good days), this one was made for the under.
*The people cry out for teal.
The Pick: Under 40
Best NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 14.
Uniform Graphics by The Gridiron Uniform Database
Raiders at Buccaneers.* Where it’s a pirate’s life for me. There was just no way I was passing up the Scallywag Showdown for best uniform matchup of the week - especially with the Bucs breaking out their fantastic pewter-red-pewter look for the first time this season. The Raiders in silver-white-silver serves as an ideal counterpart.** Complementary contrast like you read about. And I couldn’t be more excited to see these sea dogs on the screen.
The Raiders had the Chiefs right where they wanted them and proceeded to throw up all over themselves. And the Bucs benefitted from the Panthers having a similar big-moment meltdown. I said it last week, and I’ll say it again: I think the Bucs are the best team in the NFC South. If they sneak into the dance, they can hang with the best of them when Baker is on. Against this Raiders defense that is Bottom 5 in EPA per pass, I think on-Baker lights it up. Tampa’s defense hasn’t been anything write home about themselves. So I think Las Vegas gets theirs also as while we pull one over on the other Vegas.
*Party like it’s Super Bowl XXXVII. And party like it’s the first time we’re seeing this version of Raiders-Bucs since 2008.
**My one nitpick: silver numbers for the Raiders would’ve kicked this one up another notch. Another reason for the team from the Silver State to consider making silver numbers their primary road look.
The Pick: Over 46
The Gridiron Uniform Database.
Uniform graphics seen here are courtesy of The Gridiron Uniform Database. If you’ve never paid their site a visit, stop what you’re doing right now and check it out. Best site on the Internet and an invaluable resource to uniform nerds and casuals alike.
Coming Attractions.
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