It’s on, folks. Before the regular season arrives, time to lock in some futures. We’ve got the Playoff Picture, the Super Bowl Pick, and Individual Awards on tap. Let’s roll.

Playoff Picture

No rocket science here. Followed the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings to pick the Division Winners and Wild Card teams. And apart from the glaring omission of the team hunting a threepeat, the Uniform Gods have us relatively realistic (and on point). Time will ultimately tell.

AFC

(1) Chargers

Look, I don’t feel good about this either. The Chiefs are the undisputed heavyweight champions of the world. Playoffs alone would be a massive win for the Chargers. But Jim Harbaugh is now in town, and he’s no stranger to first-year turnarounds. Crazier things have happened.

The Pick: Win AFC West +350

(2) Bengals

The AFC North is the best conference in football - aesthetically and otherwise. And while I can make a case for any team (or any uniform wardrobe) to win it this year, give me Burrow and the boys over the field. Cincy has the horses and the playoff experience; just need to stay healthy.

The Pick: Win AFC North +145

(3) Texans

The Young Texans came onto the scene last year as one of the most likable teams in football. The young talent remains and is now buffered with more veteran contributors. Some may say Houston is still a year early. I’m not one of those people. All in.

The Pick: Win AFC South +105

(4) Bills

The Bills live and die with Josh Allen (more below). And excuse me while I cast my lot with the living.

The Pick: Win AFC East +195

(5) Browns

Cleveland will go as far as this defense takes them. And if the 2023 regular season is any indication, sky’s the limit. But it’s hard to get over the egg laid in Houston on Wild Card Weekend, and I would’ve liked to see the Flacco mojo carried over into 2024.

The Pick: Make Playoffs +145

(6) Steelers

Death. Taxes. And Mike Tomlin not finishing below .500. If Russell Wilson can deliver league-average quarterback play, this defense can carry Pittsburgh to a Wild Card berth.

The Pick: Make Playoffs +185

(7) Ravens

It all broke right for the Ravens last year - until it didn’t. MVP Lamar-led offense. World beating defense. Historically great team at home in the AFC Championship Game. And then they forgot to run the ball. Past is the past. Redemption season starts now.

The Pick: Make Playoffs -260

NFC

(1) 49ers

The rest of the NFC West is coming - especially the Rams. But the 49ers have now paid their guys and still have arguably the best top-to-bottom roster in football.

The Pick: Win NFC West -195

(2) Cowboys

Weird offseason in Dallas. It sure seems like Jerry’s “all in” was more of a “now or never”. Could be big changes ahead - at both QB and head coach - without a deep playoff run. Burn the boats.

The Pick: Win NFC East +170

(3) Lions

The Fightin’ Dan Campbells are back and better than ever. Detroit was a second half in San Francisco short of making the Super Bowl last year. And they’re primed to be right back in the mix this season. The NFC North - like their AFC counterpart - is one of the toughest division in football (uniforms and all). But the Lions are defending champs, the redesign was a home run, and the vibes are right for a repeat.

The Pick: Win NFC North +130

(4) Buccaneers

I’m rooting for Kirk in Atlanta as much as the next guy. But it seems like the football world has collectively forgotten about how good the Bucs were at the end of last season. It will all come down to the continuation of the Baker Renaissance, and I’m still a believer.

The Pick: Win NFC South +320

(5) Eagles

Look out for the Eagles. Went off the rails to end 2023. But this team is still jam packed with talent. I expect a Hurts bounce back, and Saquon brings a dynamic upgrade to the backfield. So long as the rookies in the secondary contribute, there aren’t many weaknesses in Philly.

The Pick: Make Playoffs -250

(6) Packers

Brett Favre, Aaron Rodgers, and now Jordan Love. Packers rivals forgot that bad things come in threes.

The Pick: Make Playoffs -155

(7) Bears

This season for Chicago is about one thing and one thing only: setting Caleb Williams up for success - now and into the future. Ryan Poles stocked the cupboard full of skill players. If this offensive line can hold up, the Bears could be surprise contenders.

The Pick: Make Playoffs -110

Super Bowl Pick

For my money, the two most improved wardrobes in the National Football League. Only right for the redesign kings to fight it out for the big game. And would be cool to see them join Cincinnati (2x), Tampa Bay, New York (Giants), Tennessee, Denver, and Washington as teams that made the Super Bowl the same season as a uniform redesign. And give me the Lions rocking one of the best uniforms in football in this hypothetical uniform matchup.

The Picks:

Texans Win AFC +850

Lions Win NFC +550

Lions Win Super Bowl +1200

Lions-Texans Super Bowl +6000

Lions Beat Texans +11000

Individual Awards

Bringer of chaos. Destroyer of worlds. Wielder of gravity hammers. No team rises or falls with one guy more than Josh Allen’s Bills. The guy puts Buffalo on his back. With Stefon Diggs out of town, that style point is turned up a notch. If Allen can deliver a fifth straight 40-touchdown season and a playoff appearance with this supporting cast, it’s going to be hard to pass him over.

The Pick: Most Valuable Player +900

My biggest fantasy football flag plant of the year. ARSB has steadily improved year over year and earned his debut appearance as a First Team All-Pro last season. He’s the unquestioned alpha on offense, and the Lions have only three non-roof games* on their schedule this season. If his career stat trend continues, the WR Triple Crown is firmly in the realm of possibility.

*One of them being in San Francisco.

The Pick: Offensive Player of the Year +1800

Biggest longshot here. I’ve been bullish on Stingley since he exploded onto the scene at LSU and ultimately was drafted third overall by Houston. He’s overcome injuries to start his career and was breaking into the best-corner-in-football conversation at the end of last year - winning AFC Defensive Player of the Month in December. A defensive back hasn’t won the award since 2019, but I like Stingley at his current price if he can carry forward his 5-picks-in-11 -games 2023 coupled with the assent of the Texans defense.

The Pick: Defensive Player of the Year +20000

We all know Marv’s pedigree and prowess as a football player. So I’m going to use this space for something else: I’m out on Maserati* Marv as a nickname. Frankly, he doesn’t even need a nickname: he’s already a first-name-only guy. But if we’re going to insist on a nickname, I’ll be pushing Darth Marv over Maserati Marv all season long.

*When I think of Maseratis in the desert, I think of needed repairs. When I think of Darths in the desert, I think of Maul flipping off his speeder bike doing the coolest things we’ve ever seen.

The Pick: Offensive Rookie of the Year +650

Brian Flores is the most aggressive defensive coordinator in football. Adding Dallas Turner to that blitz-happy scheme is like lobbing a container of lighter fluid onto a bonfire. Quarterbacks beware.

The Pick: Defensive Rookie of the Year +450

As if there was any other choice or reference for this exercise after seeing the new hairdo. A healthy Burrow will have the Bengals in the Super Bowl conversation and himself in the MVP conversation. Comeback Player of the Year may be the consolation prize, but leading Cincy back to the playoffs after his injury-plagued 2023 will have him atop that conversation as well.

The Pick: Comeback Player of the Year +300

In a press conference this offseason, Jonathan Gannon explained that Arizona conducted a deep dive into momentum that involved researching historical data on warfare in the 1800s. Say less. I’ve never placed a bet faster.

The Pick: Coach of the Year +1700

The Gridiron Uniform Database.

Uniform graphics seen here are courtesy of The Gridiron Uniform Database. If you’ve never paid their site a visit, stop what you’re doing right now and check it out. Best site on the Internet and an invaluable resource to uniform nerds and casuals alike.

Coming Attractions.

Next stop: real football and - most importantly - real uniform matchups.

NFL Opener issue drops Thursday morning and also cover Friday’s Brazil game. And Week 1 Slate issue drops Sunday morning.

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