Believe it or not, we are at the halfway point of the NFL season. And what a season it has been. In one of the best aesthetic years I can remember, Week 9 is admittedly a down week (although there was no slam dunk worst of the week matchup). But when life gives you aesthetic lemons, make sure the footballs games are good. And there’s not shortage of great football games this week. Let’s get to it.

A quick note on methodology.

As always, I’m analyzing every NFL uniform matchup and picking a winner against the spread based on who dresses best. And just because a team is ranked higher in the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings doesn’t mean it will automatically win the uniform matchup. It’s what you wear in the instant matchup that counts.

Week 9 Uniform Matchups and Picks.

Starting NFL Sunday off right in Frankfurt, Germany. Dolphins-Chiefs is the marquee game of the week and a sold uniform matchup to boot. The Dolphins have their flaws, but the icy white look is the best non-throwback uniform in their wardrobe. The Chiefs are the choice, but the Germans will be treated to a nice looking game all around.

The Dolphins and their high-powered offense have been a recurring theme in the first half of the season. But the mighty Dolphins haven’t been as intimidating against more high-powered competition.* The defending Super Bowl champs are next on the docket. While the Chiefs have looked a bit off, they may just be the best team Miami has played all season. Patrick Mahomes is Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce is Travis Kelce. But the big story for Kansas City this season has been their sneaky great defense - Top 7 in expected points and Top 5 in total yards allowed. Tyreek Hill should get his in a revenge spot, but the Chiefs are second in the league in net yards allowed per pass attempt. I think the Fightin’ Spagnuolos announce themselves to the world and take care of business on an international stage.

*The 6-2 Dolphins beat the Chargers, Patriots (x2), Broncos, Giants, and Panthers but lost to the Bills and Eagles.

The Pick: Chiefs -1.5

Seahawks and Ravens is a sneaky good uniform matchup between two bird teams. But it could’ve been a sneaky great matchup had the Seahawks opted for gray pants or the Ravens mixed things up with black-black-purple. But beggars can’t be choosers, and I think this one will look sharp overall. The Ravens in their Triple Mismatch Club finest are the pick.

Dolphins-Chiefs, Cowboys-Eagles, and Bills-Bengals may be getting all of the Week 9 hype, but there is no game I’m more excited for than Seahawks-Ravens. Two first place teams that I’d be perfectly content seeing in Las Vegas for the Super Bowl. While most will lead with Geno Smith versus Lamar Jackson, I’m most intrigued by these two defenses - both Top 10 units in expected points. The Ravens have been arguably the best defense in football and should frustrate Smith and the Seattle playmakers. And the Seahawks are a scrappy bunch* that have been getting outstanding play from their secondary (especially from rookie phenom Devon Witherspoon). The turnover battle may just be what decides it. The Uniform Gods have us laying the number with the Ravens, but I have a feeling this one will be close throughout.

*The trade deadline addition of Leonard Williams was a masterstroke for Seattle, and it isn’t being talked about enough. He’s an ideal passing down pair with Dre’mont Jones on the interior.

The Pick: Ravens -6

I am all the way in on this Cardinals-Browns uniform matchup. A legitimate contender for best of the week. But it’ll have to settle for the shortlist. I’m close to declaring it a tie, but the Triple Mismatch Club strikes again - Cleveland it is.

With Josh Dobbs - the Passtronaut himself - catching a rocket to Minnesota, it’s Clayton Tune time in Arizona (at least for one game before Kyler Murray likely returns next week). Speaking of returns, Deshaun Watson is back from injury and slated to start. The breakdown here is pretty simple: rookie quarterback debuting against Myles Garrett. I think Cleveland covers and then some.

The Pick: Browns -10

Buccaneers at Texans is one of the most lopsided showdowns of the week. The icy white Bucs always look sharp while the Texans always underwhelm. Tampa Bay in a no brainer.

Four weeks ago, the Bucs were riding high. 3-1, first place in the NFC South, and Baker Mayfield looking like a first overall pick reborn. Three losses later, and they’re three-point dogs to the Young Texans. Life comes at you fast. But I will be a Baker believer to the end, and I think get back on track and back into the NFC South race.

The Pick: Buccaneers +3

Rams at Packers had dangerous yellow clash potential. But the Rams saved the day by going blue pants. The Packers still are the choice, but Los Angeles gets a gold star in my book for smart aesthetic decision making.

With Matt Stafford likely out with a thumb injury, it should be the Brett Rypien show for the Rams. If the Packers can’t get it done against a banged-up Stafford or Brett Rypien, there’s no hope left for the Jordan Love-led Packers. But I’m not ready to give up on Love, and I think he gets the best of a middling Rams defense.

The Pick: Packers -3

Bears at Saints is shaping up to be a dull and dreary affair. I guess no lessons were learned from Jags-Saints a few weeks ago (unless Chicago shocks the world and breaks out icy whites for the first time since 2009). The Saints have cemented their spot in the Bottom 5 of the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings, and the Bears run away with the matchup.

As dull and dreary as the uniform matchup is, the football game may be even worse. The Bears are in first overall pick mode (whether it be their own pick or the one from the Panthers). Tyson Bagent and Justin Fields both are not the guy, so it’s going to be slow motion car wreck for the rest of the year. The Saints got back in the win column last week, but their future is only a touch brighter than the Bears. But with the NFC South as lowly as it is, New Orleans is tied for first with a puncher’s chance at the division crown. The Saints should take care of business here, but crazier things have happened. And it’s a healthy amount of points.

The Pick: Bears +9.5

NOTE - The Bears have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Vikings at Falcons was on the worst of the week shortlist. Two teams with incredibly high aesthetic potential that roll out seriously flawed outfits each week (Atlanta more so than Minnesota). I hope a few years from now we’re debating this matchup for best of the week. But for the time being, it is what it is. Vikings win by default.

With Kirk Cousins’ devastating injury and Desmond Ridder’s benching, Vikings-Falcons will be the backup quarterback bowl. Jaren Hall* versus Taylor Heinicke. Not exactly ratings gold. But I’m especially intrigued to see this Falcons offense without Ridder holding them back. Was hoping to get more points with Hall under center, but I’ll take what I can get.

*If it were up to me, I’d start Josh Dobbs even though he just got there.

The Pick: Vikings +4

NOTE - The Vikings have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

I’m digging this Colts-Panthers uniform matchup. I’m much higher on the Panthers than most, and the Colts are a perfect complement in all white. Indianapolis is the pick, but two thumbs up overall.

It was nice to see Bryce Young get his first career win, but there likely won’t be more where that came from this season. The Colts are in the midst of a three-game skid, but they’ve looked (relatively) competitive in each game. And Carolina is an ideal opponent for a get-right game.

The Pick: Colts -2

NOTE - The Panthers have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Giants at Raiders presents a sharp matchup between two classic looking teams. With the Raiders in silver pants, I won’t even complain about the Giants shelving their grays. Raiders get the nod.

I have three words for everyone: INTERIM COACH GAME. The autumn wind is a Raider, and his name is new head coach Antonio Pierce. If you’ve been betting football for a substantial period of time, you know that there is no greater hack than the interim coach game. Don’t overthink it. Just hammer the Raiders.

The Pick: Raiders -1.5

Cowboy-Eagles. One of the best rivalries in football. And a solid uniform matchup. Opportunity missed by the Eagles to force the Cowboys to wear blue. And an even bigger opportunity missed not saving Kelly Green for this one. Cowboys all the way.

Football games don’t get much better than this. Early November. Division races starting to take shape. And two NFC East juggernauts about to fight it out like a couple of kaijus. The Cowboys have been hot and cold all year - as they have been throughout the Mike McCarthy era - but they reminded everyone last week against the Rams that they are as dangerous as anyone when firing on all cylinders. The Eagles at 7-1 have the best record in the league, but they still don’t seem quite like their NFC champion selves. The winner of this one will be in prime position to control their NFC destiny. I’m excited to sit back, enjoy, and see if Dak and the boys can deliver the cover.

The Pick: Cowboys +3

This uniform matchup is as lopsided as it gets. The Chargers boast the best wardrobe in football, and the Jets are near the bottom of the barrel. While I normally am a sucker for the Triple Mismatch Club, this Jets iteration is my least favorite. There is no reason for the Jets to have black in their color palette. They should learn from the team they’re playing, who jettisoned (no pun intended) navy from their primary color scheme in 2020. Los Angeles in an easy decision.

The scrappy Jets are winners of three straight. And rumors of an Aaron Rodgers superhuman return are going to keep getting louder and louder so long as New York remains in contention. The Chargers beat down on the lowly Bears, and Brandon Staley avoided being the first coach fired. But the uber-talented and underperforming Chargers need to start stacking wins before the heat will be turned down on Staley’s seat. And if Justin Herbert wants to quiet the “what have you even done?” crowd, be sure to win a quarterback battle against Zach Wilson.

The Pick: Chargers -3.5

NOTE - The Chargers have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Worst NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 9.

Worst of the week was a tough call. There were a handful of matchups on the shortlist, but the Commanders having the worst look in the NFL and the Patriots (likely) reverting to the navy unitard pushed this one over the edge. It won’t compete for worst of the year, but that isn’t exactly a badge of honor.

The 2023 season is all but over for the Commanders and Patriots. Washington just shipped out half of their defensive line for some Day 2 picks. And rumors are circulating that the Patriots could trade Belichick in the offseason to - wait for it - the Commanders.* This screams defensive slog. And for our purposes, sign me up.

*While I’d much rather see Belichick with the Chargers, I think a mutual divorce from the Patriots in general is best for all parties. Belichick can pursue the all-time wins record on a team ready to compete, and the Patriots can rip the band-aid off and start fresh.

The Pick: Under 41

NOTE - Both teams have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Best NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 9.

Bills at Bengals gets the seat of honor in Week 9. And rightfully so. Two excellent ensembles and a healthy display of complementary contrast. When an elite uniform matchup matches the quality of the game, you’re in for a treat. Get your popcorn ready.

You really have to tip your cap to the NFL schedulers. Starting early across the pond with Dolphins-Chiefs. On to the early slate with Seahawks-Ravens. Followed up by a pseudo-national game with Cowboys-Eagles. And now the grand finale: Bills-Bengals. Josh Allen vs. Joe Burrow. Doesn’t get much better than that. The Bills are averaging 28 points per game, and the Bengals have averaged 27 points per game in their last three since returning to their championship-caliber form. Where our worst of the week screams defensive slog, our best of the week screams laser show. Let there be points.

The Pick: Over 50.5

The Gridiron Uniform Database.

The uniform graphics you see here are courtesy of The Gridiron Uniform Database. If you’ve never paid their site a visit, stop what you’re doing right now and check it out. Best site on the Internet and an invaluable resource to uniform nerds and casuals alike.

Coming Attractions.

Another uniform week in the books. You know the drill. Back for more on Thursday.

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