Week 5 is like an aesthetic time capsule. Worst of the week was last year’s worst of the year (with different uniforms), and best of the week was last year’s best of the year. It is the best of time times, it is the worst of times. A tale of two uniform matchups. Alright; that’s enough preamble, Mr. Dickens. Let’s dive in.

A quick note on methodology.

As always, I’m analyzing every NFL uniform matchup and picking a winner against the spread based on who dresses best. And just because a team is ranked higher in the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings doesn’t mean it will automatically win the uniform matchup. It’s what you wear in the instant matchup that counts.

Week 5 Uniform Matchups and Picks.

For the first time in their extensive London history, the Jaguars will not be wearing all black. However, they’re doing their best to get as close as possible with the white jersey as the only non-black element. And their best is far from good enough to overcome the Bills in this one. Buffalo continues to delight - leaving the blueberry unitard on the shelf and rocking one of the best outfits in the league.*

Outside of the NFC slugfest on Sunday Night Football, Jags-Bills is the game of the week. Trevor Lawrence vs. Josh Allen will get all of the headlines, but I’m most interested to see how the Jacksonville defense fares against the Buffalo offense. Both units are Top 6 in expected points. Each week I see the flashes from the Jags but they’ve yet to put together a fully dominant performance. While I’m optimistic with where Jacksonville is trending, I’m not expecting it to happen against the buzzsaw Bills. Consider me content to lay the number despite the Bills having to travel across the pond to face a team that’s been camped out there for two weeks.

*So long as we keep getting the white-blue-white combo, I’m fine with the Bills never losing another game.

The Pick: The Bills -5.5

Any other week, this Ravens-Steelers matchup would likely be walking away with the crown. Baltimore is finally giving us the purple pants just in time for one of the best - and best looking - rivalries in sports. I have this matchup as a dead heat. And while I’d typically defer to the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings to break the tie, I’d rather reward good behavior and tip the scales toward the Ravens in Triple Mismatch Club glory.

If Ravens-Steelers has taught me anything, it’s that I will regret tipping the scales toward a near five point favorite on the road in this rivalry. This is especially so with the Steelers on the ropes.* The Ravens have looked the part offensively and defensively this year. And the time is now to seize the poll position in the AFC North and never let it go. But I have a feeling Mike Tomlin and the boys are about the remind the NFL that stories of their demise have been greatly exaggerated.

*I get the Matt Canada heat. The dude shouldn’t have been retained heading into this season and should be gone by now. But the “Fire Mike Tomlin” energy out of Pittsburgh this week has been bizarre to say the least. With a win in this one, the Steelers are in first place in arguably the toughest division in football. Let’s all take a deep breath.

The Pick: Ravens -4.5

Giants-Dolphins is another solid matchup made possible by Miami going icy white at home. On a down week, this could even compete for best of the week. But this is anything but a down week, so let’s settle for enjoying this one on the screen. The uniform decision is much closer than I would’ve originally predicted. The Dolphins wardrobe has its flaws, but it’s grown on me a bit. However, it’s not enough to get me to move off the higher ranked Giants. New York by a nose.

The Dolphins came back down to Earth against the Bills. And the Giants crashed through the Earth’s core against the Seahawks. Miami and New York are two teams with two very different outlooks at this point in the season, and the monster spread reflects that. I don’t have much positive to say about the Giants, so I’ll settle for taking a boatload of points and the fallacious hope that they’re due.

The Pick: Giants +12.5

Panthers-Lions in a battle of big cats. The Lions are trying to be the new Bills. Limitless uniform potential hindered by awful aesthetic decision making. The silver-blue-silver look is by far their best, but we’re stuck with the blue unitard in this one. At least it makes the pick easy: Panthers regardless of pants choice.

While some of their uniform decisions leave me scratching my head, the Lions look like certified world beaters. The only blemish to the record so far is an overtime loss to a Seahawks team that has been equally impressive this season. The Panthers are on the other end of the spectrum looking like one of the worst teams in the league. I’d be lying if I said I’m excited to be rolling with the Panthers here - even when getting a healthy serving of points. But the Lions have forced my hand, and in the Uniform Gods we trust.

The Pick: Panthers +9.5

NOTE - The Panthers have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

The icy white Texans at the all black Falcons. While I appreciate Houston leaving the navy pants in the closet, this would’ve been a nice spot to try a navy-white-red combo. But I digress. While Bears-Commanders was the safe pick for worst of the week, this one certainly made the shortlist. The Texans suffer from generic blandness while the Falcons suffer from glaring flaws. Houston is the pick, but it’s not anything to write home about.

If you’re a fan of mafia history, you’re going to love the Young Texans* taking on the Mustache Arthurs. I can’t get enough of this Texans team. CJ Stroud is a revelation. DeMeco Ryans is coaching like a seasoned pro. And that defense has some juice. An AFC South title is in the realm of possibility. The Falcons started hot but have cooled in recent weeks. I’m still bullish on them overall, but they need Desmond Ridder to up his game. I think this one comes down to the wire.

*If Houston pulls this one off, I’m going to start calling CJ Stroud “Lucky”.

The Pick: Texans +2

I hope everyone enjoyed the Saints gold pants last week because odds are we won’t see them again this season.* The Patriots are equally frustrating with their reliance on the navy unitard. So I’m begrudgingly breaking this one down element by element. Helmet? Pats. Jersey? Pats. Pants? Pats. New England it is.

This iteration of Saints-Pats is a long way away from past showdowns between Drew Brees and Tom Brady. Derek Carr has been underwhelming to say the least, and Mac Jones** has one foot out the door. This has all the makings of a defensive showdown with both defenses Top 12 in expected points. And while New England will be without Matt Judon and Christian Gonzalez for the foreseeable future, I don’t think Bill Belichick takes a 38-3 loss lying down. I expect a kitchen sink game from the Pats and am happy to ride with the Emperor in a near pick’em.

*I may be exaggerating. But I am going to start Pavlov’s dogging the Saints from here on out. Gold pants? Ring the bell You’re the pick.

**I still believe in Mac Jones. Any hope I have of being right will likely come from his next destination. But I’m going down with the ship.

The Pick: Patriots -1

NOTE - The Patriots have yet to reveal their choice of pants. I’ve given up optimism for silver pants. But if they surprise me, it’ll reinforce the pick.

I’m not a fan of the Titans wardrobe, and their icy white outfit is no exception. But credit where credit is due: the light blue socks offer a nice pop of color. No effect on the outcome though. The classic Colts run away with this one.

The AFC South is a dead heat four weeks into the season - everyone at 2-2. So this divisional battle has a share of first place on the line. Glad to see that the Colts and Jonathan Taylor set aside their differences and reached agreement on a deal. Tony Bananas now has a zone read running mate that will strike fear into defenses for years to come. The Titans are coming off an annihilation of the Bengals, but the Colts come to play each week. Always happy to ride with a hungry home dog.

The Pick: Colts +2.5

Eagles-Rams serving up a sneaky good modern uniform matchup. And an elite helmet logo matchup. Philadelphia may be overdoing the icy white look this season, but I commend the choice in this matchup allowing the Rams excellent color palette to steal the show. Los Angeles finally gives us yellow pants this season, and they’re the pick here.

The Rams offense has impressed four weeks in, and it’s only going to get better with the return of Cooper Kupp. Their current receiving trio of Kupp-Nacua-Atwell reminds me a lot of their old trio of Kupp-Woods-Cooks.* The Eagles still don’t look like their NFC Champion selves, but that hasn’t stopped them from starting undefeated. Bold prediction: I think their mediocre stretches catch up with them as the preceding NFC Champion takes this one outright.

*Cooper Kupp has got to be feeling like Wooderson in Dazed and Confused. He keeps getting older, but his receiving corps teammates stay the same age.

The Pick: Rams +4

While I’d typically give the edge to the Bengals standalone uniform, they deserve to be punished for robbing us of a sneaky great uniform matchup. White pants and we’d be cooking with gas. While all black uniforms will never be competing for the top spot in my individual uniform rankings, I have no issue with teams breaking them out every now and then. And this ninja outfit from Arizona is undeniably sharp as far as blackout uniforms go.* The Ninja Cardinals get the nod.

Each week I’m thinking “this is the Bengals get-right spot” and each week the Bengals invoke Lee Corso: not so fast. Before the season, this game would’ve been circled as a blowout loss for Arizona, but the Cardinals have been the friskiest team in the league. Head coach Jonathan Gannon and coordinators Drew Petzing and Nick Rallis deserve all the credit in the world. Arizona is in every game they play, and there’s an argument to be made that they should be 3-1 at the quarter mark.** The line has cratered down to only a field goal. I’d feel much better with more points (or at least the hook), but between the blackout game energy and high-effort play, the no-name Cardinals have more than a puncher’s chance.

*Current blackout uniforms ranked:

1. Steelers

2. Cardinals

3. Panthers

4. Ravens

5. Jaguars

6. Falcons

7. Jets

8. Commanders

**Arizona would be 4-0 against the spread if the Zachs (Ertz and Pascal) didn’t drop a pair of touchdown passes in garbage time last week.

The Pick: Cardinals +3

The Broncos will be debuting their Snowcapped white helmet, and the Jets are getting in on the winter wonderland fun with their icy whites. I’m a huge fan of the new Broncos helmet, but I’m equally opposed to the orange unitard color rush outfit it’s paired with. White pants and I’d be all in. The Jets leave plenty to be desired, so I’m going to give the slightest of nods to Denver for a sharp helmet that signals positive things to come.*

Don’t look now, but Russell Wilson has been playing quite well this season. The biggest problem for the Broncos is the utter collapse of a defensive unit that was Top 7 in expected points last season.** But if there’s ever a time to figure out your defensive woes, it’s when Zach Wilson comes to town. Sure, he played his best game as a pro against the Chiefs last week, but he still isn’t scaring anyone. I like the Broncos to cover the number at home.

*I continue to think that a white alternate helmet for the Broncos signals the return of some variation of the Orange Crush aesthetic. You don’t pass on a slam dunk release of a beloved throwback look unless you already have plans to bring it back in another way. My guess is the upcoming Broncos uniform redesign will feature a modern classic version of the Orange Crush look. And the white helmet will remain as a sharp alternate.

**Denver is dead last this year.

The Pick: Broncos -2.5

Chiefs-Vikings in a Super Bowl IV rematch. While I’m lower on both wardrobes than most, this is a sharp matchup. Thought I must say this would’ve been a perfect spot for Minnesota to break out their fantastic throwback uniforms. I’ve always preferred the Kansas City road look to the home outfit, and they take the cake here.

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift are getting all of the Chiefs-related headlines, but the collective football public is not talking enough about this Kansas City defense. Top 3 in score percentage. Top 5 in expected points. Top 10 in yards allowed. Sure, Patrick Mahomes and his receiving corps don’t look to be in peak form. But who cares if Mahomes is complemented by a top shelf defense. The Vikings are better than their record suggests, and the line has been moving in their direction all week. But I’m never going to complain being on the right side of Mahomes vs. Cousins.

The Pick: Chiefs -3.5

NOTE - Both teams have yet to reveal their uniforms.

If you like Super Bowl rematches this is the week for you. Packers and Raiders partying like it’s Super Bowl II. Doesn’t get much more classic and complementary. An easy entry on the best of the week shortlist but edged out by an all-timer. The Raiders are the selection, but I’m pumped to see this one on the Monday Night Football screen.

Davante Adams revenge game? I guess if you have to force a storyline in this one, that’s your best bet. While I don’t think Adams harbors much - if any - ill will towards Green Bay, he doesn’t need an excuse to hang a 10-200-2 slash line. And if the Raiders are going to take care of business, they’re going to need his best. I’m still bullish on the Packers, and this line isn’t exactly adding up for me. But Vegas seems to know something, so I hope to reap the benefits.

The Pick: Raiders -2

Worst NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 5.

Check out the full breakdown in this week’s Thursday Night Football issue.

The Pick: Under 44.5

Best NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 5.

It’s always a delight when the Cowboys play the 49ers. One of the great NFC rivalries and one of the great uniform matchups in NFL history. Red and blue. Silver and gold. No matchup better exemplifies the principle of complementary contrast. Cowboys-Niners earned best of the year honors last season, and it has a very real chance of retaining the belt. But we have a lot of football left this season. For now, just sit back and enjoy the uniform nirvana.

Not only is this the best uniform matchup of the week, it’s the best football game of the week. We’ve yet to have a truly great primetime game, and I think this Sunday Night Football showdown is going to deliver. No NFC teams have looked better at their apex than Dallas and San Francisco this season. With strong units in all phases of the game, this is a true heavyweight bout. It’s all about points for our purposes. And the Cowboys and 49ers have combined for 249 of them. Hoping for more of the same.

The Pick: Over 45

The Gridiron Uniform Database.

The uniform graphics you see here are courtesy of The Gridiron Uniform Database. If you’ve never paid their site a visit, stop what you’re doing right now and check it out. Best site on the Internet and an invaluable resource to uniform nerds and casuals alike.

Coming Attractions.

Another uniform week in the books. You know the drill. Back for more on Thursday.

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