Welcome to the Week 5 full slate breakdown. We're up bright and early again for London Part II of the 2022 season.

Last week, I couldn't think of a better way to start Week 4 than the White Bengal extravaganza in Cincinnati. This week, I can't think of a worse way to start Week 5 than whatever it was we watched on Thursday Night Football. The Colts offense looked horrific, but they escaped with a win. The real story is the Broncos. Is there a worse situation in the league than Denver? All that money committed to better-days-behind-him Russell Wilson. Star running back out 15 or so months. Head coach that is a danger to himself and others. Diminished draft capital after the Wilson trade. Woof.

A quick note on methodology.

As always, I’m analyzing every NFL uniform matchup and picking a winner against the spread based on who dresses best. And just because a team’s wardrobe is ranked higher in the Power Rankings doesn’t mean that it will automatically win the uniform matchup. It’s what you wear in the instant matchup that counts.

I’ll also be crowning the best matchup of the week and shaming the worst matchup of the week. It’s the over for the sharpest matchup and the under for the dullest.

And don’t forget the Triple Mismatch Club. I’m making three units plays whenever the best dressed team in the matchup is a member of the Club (different colored helmet, jersey, and pants). And nine units plays if both members of the week’s best matchup are members.

Keep an eye out for a “NOTE” here and there where teams have not fully unveiled what they will be wearing before the writing of this issue (this is especially the case now that we’ve reached the London games). I’ll make my best guess as to their outfit, and it won’t affect my ability to pick a winner. I’ll also try to update after the fact if possible so each weekly issue can be a reference point for what a team wore on a given week.

Week 5 Uniform Matchups and Picks.

We're back in foggy London Town with a far more appealing uniform matchup than last week's worst. The grey of London has me pining for the Giants gray pants.* They provided just the right amount of contrast. But oh well; the Giants still boast a top half uniform wardrobe. The Packers are as classic as it gets, and they are the pick here.

How about those 3-1 Giants? It hasn't necessarily been pretty, and the opponents haven't exactly been world beaters. But there's something happening in the Big Apple. The Saquonaissance is upon us, and Brian Daboll appears to have the right stuff. Now it's time to go up in weight class. The Packers are also 3-1, but things have looked a little choppy. With that said, Aaron Rodgers is the tide that lifts all boats. And the Giants just forgot how to swim.

*British English "grey" for London and American English "gray" for the Giants. Just making sure you're paying attention. Don't try this at home.

The Pick: Packers -8 (-110)

From the Packers to Bears at Vikings, it's an NFC Norris division start to the Week 5 edition of the Bets Dressed newsletter. The Bears never disappoint in their classic road look.* I'm admittedly hard on the Vikings. There are some people that have their wardrobe as high as the top 10. But they were in my "Wasted Talent" tier for a reason. There are too many flaws (number font, doorstop-shaped shoulder stripe, appearance of mismatch purples, etc.). Just go back to the 90s uniforms and be done with it.**

On paper, the Vikings should roll in this one. The Bears (and by extension Justin Fields) look completely inept on offense. In four games this season, these are the passing yard totals of Justin Fields: 121, 70, 106, 174. Yikes. However, the Vikings have given up the 8th most passing yards so far this season. So this is as good of a get-right spot as any for Fields. Throw in the anything-can-happen nature of divisional games, and the Bears can make a game of it.

*Try to remember these happy times when the Bears break out the blinding orange helmet/orange jersey next week.

**Put the Northman back on the sleeves!

The Pick: Bears +7.5 (-110)

NOTE - The Vikings have yet to unveil their uniforms.

UPDATE - Purple over white confirmed for the Vikings.

The Jets started the season wearing the icy white look three times in a row. And this is now twice in a row for the dreadful green-white-black ensemble. It's bad enough they bring this outfit out once a year. Two or three times and I might spontaneously combust. The Dolphins are not well dressed in their own right,* but it's hard to not be the best dressed team when playing this Jets look.

Meanwhile, on the field, the Dolphins are dealing with the fallout of Tua's concussion situation (both in terms of missing their breakout quarterback and the debacle that was the handling of his initial and exacerbated injuries). Teddy Bridgewater gets the start here, and I expect him to perform admirably. I don't know what to make of the Jets. 2-2 is reason to celebrate for a typically moribund franchise, but they certainly haven't impressed. Zach Wilson looked awful to start the game against the Steelers, but he got his act together late. New York can only hope that improvement continues.

*The Dolphins desperately need more orange in their aqua ensemble.

The Pick: Dolphins -3.5 (-110)

The Buccaneers are sticking with white* at home, this time breaking out the icy white variety. And the Falcons are still the Falcons. Open and shut uniform decision: Bucs by a mile.

While Tampa Bay is 2-2, Tom Brady has shown little signs of slowing down. He posted a 385 / 3 / 75% slash line with a banged up shoulder in the 41-31 loss to the Chiefs. And the Falcons coming to town seems like a perfect get-right spot for the Bucs. But the Falcons have been frisky this season - also 2-2 and tied atop the NFC South (with close losses to the Saints and Rams). It's a healthy amount of points to lay to a division rival, but in Tom we trust.

*The only appearance of the Tampa Bay reds was in Dallas for the opener.

The Pick: Buccaneers -10 (-110)

The Bills just can't quit the blue unitards. And if that's how they want to play it, call me Padme because they're going down a road I can't follow. The Steelers wardrobe is solid across the board, and the road whites are especially sharp. The black helmet, white jersey, and yellow pants make for a unique member of the Triple Mismatch Club. And it's the choice here.

Everyone thinks the Bills are going to absolutely destroy the Steelers. And everyone is probably right. But that's a whole lot of points to lay in this league. And Mike Tomlin is as good as it gets against the spread as an underdog (44-25-3). Someone must've read last week's issue of the Bets Dressed newsletter and listened to me because the Kenny Pickett Experience* is finally upon us. Let's see what he can do as a 14-point underdog.

*Two rushing touchdowns and three interceptions for Pickett in relief of Mitch Trubisky. Debut stat lines don't get weirder than that.

The Pick: Steelers +14 (-110)

Triple Mismatch Club 3x Play

For Texans at Jaguars, we've got a battle of two basement dwelling uniform wardrobes (Texans at No. 26 and Jaguars at No. 25). To the Jaguars credit, they played their only trump card this week: teal. I do wish it was the teal-over-white outfit, but beggars can't be choosers. It's enough to make them the choice over the consistently underwhelming Texans.

If the season ended after Week 4, Houston would be on the clock for the first pick of the 2023 NFL Draft. The Texans have certainly earned that privilege as they've looked overmatched in every game this season (even the tie against the underperforming Colts). On the other side of this one, the Jaguars have been a pleasant surprise. They jumped out to a lead against the league-best Eagles but couldn't get the job done. It's hard not to be impressed by the Jags and coach Doug Pederson. If they truly are ready to become a good, competitive team, these are the games where you need to take care of business.

The Pick: Jaguars -7 (-110)

The dreaded black unitards. The crutch the Saints refuse to give up. The Saints are far from the worst uniform wardrobe in the league, but there's a reason they're stuck in the "Flawed Good" tier. The Seahawks are a mess themselves, having already appeared in two worst matchups of the week this season. At least they're trying to brighten up the blackout situation in New Orleans by going all white and leaving the navy pants at home. This is an ugly one, but the Saints have a slight edge.

Speaking of edges, there aren't many of them to speak of for the Saints this year. An admirable double doink attempt from Wil Lutz couldn't get them over the hump against the Vikings as the Saints suffered their third straight loss.* The Seahawks have been a delightful surprise. For everything that has gone wrong for Russell Wilson in Denver, the opposite seems to be happening for Geno Smith in Seattle. It's hard not to feel happy for Geno. The journeyman quarterback has always had the talent, but this is the first time where everything seems to be clicking for him. Seattle is in a four-way tie atop the NFC West but are the least likely (in terms of odds) to make the playoffs. That fact may be supported in this one where the Saints look to get right at home as healthy favorites.

*Minus the comeback victory against the Falcons in Week 1, the Saints could easily be staring at 0-4 on the year.

The Pick: Saints -4.5 (-110)

Someone needs to explain this one to me like I'm five. When the NFL schedule was released, I poured over every matchup trying to predict what the best and worst matchups would be each week. When I saw the Chargers on tap to visit the Browns in Week 5, I was ready to write it in permanent marker as the stone cold lock for best of the week. I mean how couldn't it be? Elite color palettes. Perfect complements. My No. 1 and No. 3 uniform wardrobes. But I should've known better. Enter Browns color rush. People are going to get sick of me saying we need an NFL Uniform Czar, but this is case in point. If Cleveland is hellbent on going full brownout, save it for the Saints or Commanders. The Chargers deserve your aesthetic best. And so do we.

The AFC's No. 1 passing offense against the AFC's No. 1 rushing offense.* I wouldn't want to be a defensive player in this one. The Chargers are going to miss the edge setting ability of Joey Bosa in this one. And the Browns will be counting their blessings knowing they get Myles Garrett back. I could legitimately see this one going either way. But if there's such a thing as fashion karma, Cleveland is on the wrong side of the cosmic ledger.

*The Browns are spitting in the faces of the uniform gods not letting us play the over as the best matchup of the week.

The Pick: Chargers -1.5 (-110)

NOTE - The Chargers have yet to unveil their choice of pants.

UPDATE - White pants confirmed for the Chargers.

49ers in their reds and Panthers in their whites is a sneaky great uniform matchup. The colors are perfectly complementary, and I especially like how the helmets play off each other. It makes me nostalgic for old NFC West* battles in the mid-90s. The Niners are the easy choice, but I wanted to shoutout the solid matchup all around. Kudos all around.

I've been a fan of Baker for a long time, but I'm running out of excuses for his play of late. It just isn't working. The 49ers hanging onto Jimmy G worked out brilliantly, but I think they would've parted with him in the offseason if a team was willing to fork over a mid-round pick. It's going to be hard for Matt Rhule and the Panthers to knock think "what if" as they watch Garoppolo lead the attack against them. Especially if that attack hands Carolina its fourth loss of the season.

*People forget that the Panthers were members of the NFC West when they first joined the NFL as an expansion team in 1995.

The Pick: 49ers -6.5 (-110)

NOTE - The Panthers have yet to unveil their choice of pants.

UPDATE - Panthers ended up going with black pants.

The runner up for worst matchup of the week. When the Cardinals unveiled their black helmets, my first thought was "oh, another one." And my thought right after that was "why?" The Cardinals are the team most in need of a redesign, and I really hope they move away from brutally outdated uniform tropes like all black everything. The most infuriating thing about this one involves the Eagles decision to join the blackout* party. There must be a sick joke at play with both the Eagles and the copycat Jets going green-white-black on the same day. It's as bad as it gets from a Triple Mismatch Club perspective. However, I can't bring myself to go with the Panelist Era Cardinals in any capacity.** Eagles in a bad one.

A lot of people were high on the Eagles coming into the season, but I don't think anyone had them pegged for the last unbeaten team standing. The Cardinals have been more down than up, but no harm no foul at 2-2 and tied at the top with every other member of the NFC West. Until the Eagles show otherwise, I'll be happy to be on their side regardless of the point spread.

*If this was a Thursday Night game, I'd call it the Blackbird Bowl.

**Except maybe if they square off against the Commanders (in black or white).

The Pick: Eagles -5.5 (-110)

Triple Mismatch Club 3x Play

Cowboys at* Rams from sunny Los Angeles. The marquee matchup of the late window fittingly features two well dressed teams. In fact, this was on the shortlist for best of the week. And matchups will always get bonus points when a team forces the Cowboys to wear blue on the road. Speaking of the Cowboys blues, they're sharp as always, and I like them paired with white pants from time to time. The Rams have one of the best white uniforms in the league - whether they wear blue or yellow pants. And they are the choice here. I'm excited to see this one on the screen.

The Cooper Rush win streak continues. And next on the gauntlet is Aaron Donald and Jalen Ramsey. I said last week that Cooper Rush has proven he deserves a starting job in this league, and I stand by it. The defending Super Bowls have looked off all year. Sluggish. Complacent. I'm not sure what the best word is, but something isn't right. A lot of eyeballs around the country will be on this one, and the Rams are no strangers to the limelight. I think they get things back on track against Micah Parsons and the dangerous Dallas defense.

*While the Cowboys may be on the road, my money is on more Cowboys fans than Rams fans at SoFi Stadium.

The Pick: Rams -5.5 (-110)

Triple Mismatch Club 3x Play IF the Rams wear yellow pants.

NOTE - The Rams have yet to unveil their choice of pants.

UPDATE - Yellow pants confirmed for the Rams.

I was really hoping for a picturesque Fall clash between the black and orange of the Bengals and the black and purple of the Ravens. But the Ravens had other thoughts in breaking out the blackout look. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: we need an NFL Uniform Scheduling Czar. The Ravens are one of the few teams that can get away with an all-black outfit. But if they're going to do it against the Bengals, an adult in the room needs to step forward and have the Bengals wear white or orange pants. This isn't rocket science, people! The Bengals get the nod in this one.

This is a doozy on Sunday Night Football. Both teams are 2-2 and the winner will either be even with the Browns or the sole owner of first place in the AFC North (assuming no ties). The Ravens have looked like a league-best squad at times, but they've spectacularly squandered games against the Dolphins and Bills. The Bengals lost on walk-off field goals twice in a row to start the season, but they've righted the ship since. The Burrow-Ja'Marr duo feasted on the Ravens last season, leading the Bengals to winning scores of 41-17 and 41-21. Their combined slash lines in those games: Burrow passing (940 yds / 7 TDs / 71%); Ja'Marr receiving (15 catches / 326 yds / 1 TD). I expect big things from the Bets Dressed picks for MVP and OPOY.

The Pick: Bengals +3.5 (-110)

Triple Mismatch Club 3x Play

It doesn't get much more classic than Raiders at Chiefs. Two former AFL teams now housed in the NFL's AFC West. I would bet that more fans have Raiders and Chiefs as their favorite uniform matchup than any other matchup. So I am admittedly contrarian on this one. Don't get me wrong, this is a fantastic matchup and was a strong contender for best of the week. Two old school, home run outfits. And the colors complement each other perfectly. But I've been on record as being lower on the primary Raiders away look and the Chiefs red helmet / red jersey combo than the average person. For the first time this season, I'm at a real impasse on who to pick. The big issue here is not officially knowing the matchup ahead of time.* When in doubt, I turn to the Power Rankings. And for that reason, the Raiders (No. 8) are the choice over the Chiefs (No. 13).

The Chiefs loss to the Colts looks worse every time I watch the Colts play. But that was certainly an anomaly. The Chiefs may just be the best team in football. The Raiders finally got into the win column last week with their victory over the train wreck Broncos. But the Chiefs are a much different caliber of opponent. With that said, divisional matchups are always tricky. And I think the Raiders can keep this interesting.

*The Chiefs are notoriously bad about revealing their outfit in advance. And the threat of the red unitards being sprung upon us isn't lost on me.

The Pick: Raiders +7 (-110)

NOTE - The Chiefs have yet to unveil their choice of pants.

UPDATE - White pants confirmed for the Chiefs.

Worst NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 5.

When a uniform matchup features two of the three worst wardrobes in the NFL, odds are it's going to be the worst matchup of the week. So it's no surprise here that Titans at Commanders lands in the spot of shame for Week 5. The navy helmets for the Titans continue to be the biggest downgrade from the old Titans look, and the navy pants exacerbate that issue. The burgundy outfit is the best of the Commanders looks. But white pants is a perplexing move. Even with all of the flaws with Washington's redesign, burgundy over gold would've been a small piece of redemption. Instead, the Commanders continue to disappoint.

The on-field showdown features a tale of two teams moving in opposite directions: the Titans are ascendant after an 0-2 start, and the Commanders are cratering with three straight losses following a Week 1 victory over the (surprisingly good) Jaguars. Their combined average total points per game to start the season is 37. Let's hope that trend continues, and we'll take what we can get to stay below the number.

The Pick: Under 43 (-110)

Best NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 5.

It happened, folks. Pat the Patriot is BACK. And he's too glorious to be denied. Chargers-Browns and Raiders-Chiefs were in consideration for the top spot this week, but the Browns opted for the brownout look and the Chiefs have yet to unveil their outfit (and the risk of the red unitard is real). But even if the Chiefs go red over white, Lions at Patriots is still the pick. These Patriots throwbacks are among the greatest uniforms in NFL history, and they're too good to be anywhere other than pole position. Plus the Lions have really grown on me this year. They have clear flaws, but the broad strokes - color palette and logo especially - are solid.

Can't think of a better team to be involved in an over bet than the Lions. Through the first four weeks of the season, the Lions have simultaneously scored the most points (140) and allowed the most points (141). The Patriots on the other hand? Not so much. New England's 74 points on the year are barely over half of Detroit's total. However, the typically stingy Patriots defense has given up the sixth most points in the AFC. Let's hope for points, points, and more points in this one. I'm selfishly rooting for more Patriots touchdowns; the more Pat the Patriot closeups the better.

The Pick: Over 45.5 (-110)

The Gridiron Uniform Database.

The uniform graphics you see here are courtesy of The Gridiron Uniform Database. If you’ve never paid their site a visit, stop what you’re doing right now and check it out. It is my favorite site on the Internet and an invaluable resource to uniform nerds and casual fans alike. This is especially the case during the season. I check the site multiple times a day to keep tabs on who’s wearing what.

Drop me a line.

You can always find me on Twitter at NFL Fashion Advice (@fashion_nfl) or via email at [email protected]. Come talk uniforms and all things football, and let me know what you think of the newsletter.

Coming Attractions.

Have no fear. We'll be back here four days from now for Week 6 with the Thursday Night Football Uniform Matchup and some Single Digit Revolution fantasy plays.

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