The NFL aesthetic has been on point to start the season. And Week 4 is another solid uniform slate. You really have to squint to find a truly offensive worst of the week (don’t worry we still found one). Best of the week is a celebration of escaping the uniform dark ages. And we get to sit back and enjoy another glorious weekend of football. Who’s got it better than us?

A quick note on methodology.

As always, I’m analyzing every NFL uniform matchup and picking a winner against the spread based on who dresses best. And just because a team is ranked higher in the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings doesn’t mean it will automatically win the uniform matchup. It’s what you wear in the instant matchup that counts.

Week 4 Uniform Matchups and Picks.

Kicking things off with the game of the week. Dolphins-Bills even made the best of the week shortlist thanks to Buffalo avoiding the blueberry unitard for the second home game in a row. The Dolphins wardrobe has been growing on me all season, but the Bills are the clear choice.

I still can’t believe the Dolphins put up 70* points in an NFL game. One of the most enjoyable non-competitive blowouts I’ve ever seen in any sport. This Miami offense is a joy to watch. Mike McDaniel can see the Matrix. As exciting as the Dolphins have been, the Bills have very quietly massacred the Commanders and Raiders in back-to-back weeks. Those teams may not be world beaters, but Buffalo looks the part. My heart is with the Dolphins keeping this magic run alive, but I think they’re in for their first wake up call of the season in Orchard Park.

*I understand Mike McDaniel thought he was doing the right thing by not kicking a field goal late to tie the NFL’s all-time single game points record.** But I think you owe it to your players and the game to go for that record when you’re in a position to do so. It’s not running up the score. It was 4th down in the opponent’s territory. Just kick it.

**Chicago over Washington 73-0 in the 1940 NFL Championship Game.

The Pick: Bills -2.5

Is it too much to ask for the Ravens to wear purple pants against an orange-clad division rival? Apparently so. Baltimore leaving purple on the shelf is especially frustrating with the Browns breaking out their excellent orange pants. The only thing that would make this better for Cleveland would be white masks. But they’re still safely the selection here.

The AFC North has lived up to the competitive hype to start the season. Paths to a division crown are visible for each of the four teams. But if I had to pick one divisional unit I’ve been most impressed with, it’d safely be the Browns defense. Myles Garrett still looks like he was built in a lab, and Jim Schwartz is using him like a mad scientist - moving him all over the defensive front. It’s no easy task containing Lamar Jackson, but the Browns have the horses to do it.

The Pick: Browns -2.5

The Rams may have demoted the bone gray jersey to alternate status, but it’s still making occasional appearances. One such occasion will be this week against the Colts. The bone look has actually grown on me when paired with blue pants.* But the bone unitard just doesn’t do it for me. If they want to mix it up, how about pairing the bone pants with the white jersey? I’d say help me help you, Los Angeles. But in a way, they are - Colts in an easy decision.

The Colts have impressed three games into the Shane Steichen era. 2-1 and first place in the AFC South. Gardner Minshew did an admirable job in an upset win over the Ravens, but it should surprise no one that Anthony Richardson is back as the starter after missing a game for a concussion. Tony Bananas is the future in Indy, and his athleticism unlocks another element in Steichen’s offense. Despite a rebuilding roster, the Rams have been incredibly competitive in each game. And Cooper Kupp is expected to be activated after this week. I think this one could surprise as one of the better games of the week. If the Colts are going to take care of business, Steichen will have to keep pressing all of the right buttons.

*To be fair, if the Rams are going to insist upon bone against the Colts, they’re doing the right thing not going blue pants - would be too much blue overall.

The Pick: Colts +1.5

It’s always a delight when the Texans break out the battle red helmets. While I wish they would explore pairing it with the blue jersey, I recognize that their hands are tied by NFL uniform rules. As nice as it is to see Houston change things up, the Steelers can do no wrong in Triple Mismatch Club glory on the road. And they’re the pick here.

Sneaky good uniform matchup and sneaky good football game. Kenny Pickett and the Steelers seemed to get back on the offensive tracks last week in Las Vegas. And CJ Stroud is already looking like a seasoned pro. TJ Watt is my early season pick for Defensive Player of the Year. And Will Anderson is right up there for Defensive Player of the Year. Mike Tomlin is a sideline stalwart. And DeMeco Ryans is the upstart wunderkind. It’s the old guard versus the new guard when the Steelers visit the Texans. Give me age before beauty in this one.

The Pick: Steelers -3

Vikings at Panthers gives us another sneaky good uniform matchup. I’m especially digging this helmet matchup. The Panthers are one of those teams that traditionally wears white at home (especially early in the season), and it works to our benefit here with a sharp matchup. As a sucker for the Carolina look, I give the slightest of edges to the Panthers. But I’m just excited to see this one in action.

It’s never a happy affair when two winless teams are squaring off. But someone has the opportunity to get off the schneid. On paper, this is where the Vikings should wake up and remind everyone that they were a playoff team a year ago. But the Panthers have a frisky defense, and this Minnesota team is a bad half away from throwing in the towel.*

*If the Vikings fall to 0-4, it really is time to shop Kirk Cousins. I can’t escape thinking that Kwesi Adofo-Mensah wants to get into the 2024 quarterback draft sweepstakes. Just rip off the band-aid. No half measures.

The Pick: Panthers +4.5

NOTE - Neither team has revealed their choice of pants.

This Broncos-Bears same-color-palette clash is going to look like a college spring game. At least the uniform matchup appropriately reflects the game itself. The Bears are the clear pick, but i can’t say I’m excited to see this one on the screen - in more ways than one.

I don’t know if there’s ever been a matchup where two teams were massacred worse the week prior. Denver and Chicago combined last week to give up 111 points and lose by 81 points. Genuinely impressive. As bad as things are for the Broncos - and they may be at a franchise nadir - the Bears are three-and-a-half point home dogs to a team that just gave up 70 points. In the words of John Mulaney, you know those days where you’re like this might as well happen? That’s how I feel betting this game.

The Pick: Bears +3.5

The Bengals continue to spoil us with the best icy white options in the NFL. The White Bengal outfit has a legitimate case to be the best white uniform in football, but don’t sleep on the orange-helmet version. The pop of orange sets it apart on an equally good level. The Titans continue to underwhelm and are going with their worst uniform - the navy bodysuit. Cincinnati all the way.

The 1-2 Bengals are coming off a season-saving win* against the Rams. The 1-2 Titans are coming off a shellacking at the hands of the Browns. And I can’t say I’m feeling too great about the prospects of either team at the moment. Cincinnati was our Bets Dressed Super Bowl pick, but Joe Burrow clearly is not healthy. And Tennessee just looks completely washed. I’ll never throw the towel in on a Mike Vrabel-coached team, but the “one last job” Titans find themselves pinned down slurping a discarded Diet Coke like Jeremy Renner in The Town. I don’t think this ends well, and I’m content to ride with wounded Burrow and the Bengals (even though this screams sucker line).

*It must be noted that the Bengals are now 3-0 when rocking the White Bengal look.

The Pick: Bengals -2.5

The Commanders continue to have the worst wardrobe in the NFL, and the Eagles continue to impress. In one of the more lopsided matchups of the week, Philadelphia is a no brainer.

As we expected, the Commanders turned back into a pumpkin against the Bills. Poor Sam Howell couldn’t stay upright as he was battered by the Buffalo pass rush all game. The Commanders ended the Eagles undefeated season last year, and I don’t think Philly has forgotten. Look for the Philly front to make Howell’s life uncomfortable once more. This is also a perfect spot for Jalen Hurts to remind everyone he was the MVP runner-up last season. And I think he lights up Washington on the ground and through the air.

The Pick: Eagles -8

NOTE - the Commanders have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Just when I think the Saints can’t get any more aesthetically frustrating, they go ahead and totally redeem themselves. Gold pants are back in New Orleans. While I’d typically give the edge to the icy white Bucs, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? Time to reward good behavior: Saints it is.

In addition to Bucs-Saints giving us the latest edition of Evans v. Lattimore, it’s an important early contest to shape the outcome of the NFC South.* The Bake-aissance hit a bump in the road against the Eagles, and I think he’s in for another tough test against a Saints defense that is always one of the most underrated units in football. New Orleans got Kendre Miller back from injury last week and Alvin Kamara back from suspension this week. I think these guys will form one of the better backfields, and I like this duo to have a nice debut.

*The Panthers look completely outclassed, but the Bucs, Falcons, and Saints should give us one of the most competitive division races in the league this year.

The Pick: Saints -3.5

If it was any other week, Raiders-Chargers would’ve likely walked away with best of the week honors. But the Raiders are leaving some aesthetic wonder on the table not breaking out the silver numbers. As always, the Chargers can do no wrong. And they get the nod.

The Chargers survived the loser-leaves-town game against the Vikings. And the Raiders feel ages away from their Week 1 victory over the Broncos. Looking at this one on paper, you’d expect the Chargers to cruise - especially with Jimmy G not expected to play.* But divisional matchups are divisional matchups. And the Chargers are the Chargers. In the Uniform Gods we trust, but we’re laying a number that makes me nervous.

*I think Aidan O’Connell takes this job and doesn’t give it back.

The Pick: Chargers -5.5

NOTE - The Chargers have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Patriots at Cowboys. As much as I can’t stand the New England navy unitards,* these uniforms pair well together. Dallas is the clear winner, but I’m excited to see this one on the screen.

It’s hard to lay a bigger egg than the Cowboys laid in Arizona last week. In their defense, the Cardinals have been playing everyone tough this season. But there’s no excuse to lose by double digits with that large of a talent advantage. Speaking of playing people tough, the Patriots finally got over the hump and earned their first win of the season. While I expect Bill Belichick to dip into his bag of tricks and give Dak and the Cowboys everything they can bargain for, I like Dallas to bounce back (hopefully by seven points or more).

*While the Patriots have yet to reveal their choice of pants, I’ve given up being optimistic for silver pants.

The Pick: Cowboys -6

NOTE - The Patriots have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Chiefs-Jets in red and green feels like Christmas in October. Doesn’t get much more classic than Kansas City. And the Jets are matching their energy with the fantastic New York Sack Exchange throwbacks. Well done all around, but I’m giving the edge to New York. I’ll be sad to see these uniforms stashed in the closet the rest of the season.*

The Aaron Rodgers injury continues to be the biggest bummer and biggest “what if” moment of the season. This should be the game of the week. Instead, we’re all anticipating a Chiefs shellacking. Zach Wilson has shown no growth or improvement, and there are rumors that Robert Saleh’s commitment to the former No. 2 overall pick is costing him the defensive side of the locker room. But It’s always darkest before the dawn - especially in Gotham City. So let’s hope Gang Green rises and keeps this one (relatively) close.

*Respectfully requesting the Jets to at least stick with the white facemasks.

The Pick: Jets +9.5

NOTE - The Chiefs have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Textbook middle-of-the-road uniform matchup between the Seahawks and Giants. Nothing to write home about but nothing terribly offensive.* I’ve grown to appreciate the hypermodern Seahawks for what they are, but they’re still not my cup of tea. And I’m consistently higher on the Giants than most. Give me New York.

After getting punched in the mouth against the Rams, the Seahawks have bounced back nicely - winning two in a row. The Giants, on the other hand, can’t seem to find their footing. Outside of the second half against the Cardinals, New York has looked like one of the worst teams in the league.** If there’s a time to get right, it’s got to be against Seattle on Monday Night Football. Despite this rough start, I think Brian Daboll is one of the best coaches in the league. He’s got to will his guys to .500 here.

*However, I do feel personally attacked that - between the Seahawks and Giants - no one is wearing gray pants.

**Not counting that second half in Arizona, the Giants have been outscored 90-12. Woof.

The Pick: Giants +2

Worst NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 4.

Worst of the week coming from Foggy London Town. This one won’t compete for worst of the year, but it’s not hard to see why it landed here. The Falcons wardrobe is crawling with flaws and that slim but not-so-subtle side stripe is keeping the Panelist Era alive. The Jaguars always let us down when they fail to wear teal jersey or teal pants. And while their blackout look isn’t terribly offensive, teal pants take them to another level.

It pains me to place my darkhorse Super Bowl prediction here, but it is what it is. While the uniform matchup leaves much to be desired, I’m pumped for the game itself. With both teams coming off losses, it should be a race between two hungry dogs. While London is Jacksonville’s second home, traveling across the pond is an added distraction during the week. For our sake, let’s hope the offenses were more distracted than the defenses.

The Pick: Under 43

Best NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 4.

Cardinals-49ers is in the top spot for one reason and one reason alone: to celebrate the uniform renaissance and our emergence from the uniform dark ages. Cardinals at 49ers has delivered us brutal, clashing uniform matchups over the last 18 years and throughout the Panelist Era. The old Cardinals white uniform looked like someone put an apron over the old red uniform. Just horrific. The Cardinals now rock one of the best icy white uniforms in the league - another home run example of the Modern Classic approach.* The 49ers will be looking sharp as always. But more than anything, I’m excited to watch this one without wanting to claw out my eyes.

How ‘bout those Cardinals? 12 point dogs pulling off a 12 point win against the Cowboys. Hard to not be happy for Jonathan Gannon, Josh Dobbs, and the rest of the Arizona organization. But it’s back to reality this week. As unstoppable as the Dolphins look, the 49ers are my early season pick for best team in the NFL. And Kyle Shanahan will have revenge on his mind after Gannon’s Eagles defense knocked out two quarterbacks and held San Francisco to seven points in last year’s NFC Championship. For our purposes, it doesn’t matter where the points come from as long as there are 44 of them. And I like our chances.

*Arizona threaded the needle of honoring the past and embracing the future with this look.

The Pick: Over 43.5

The Gridiron Uniform Database.

The uniform graphics you see here are courtesy of The Gridiron Uniform Database. If you’ve never paid their site a visit, stop what you’re doing right now and check it out. Best site on the Internet and an invaluable resource to uniform nerds and casuals alike.

Coming Attractions.

Another uniform week in the books. You know the drill. Back for more on Thursday.

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