One regular season week down. 17 more to go. And Week 2 is set to be another doozy. Three sharp throwback outfits, a good number of solid uniform matchups, and a worst of the week that certainly won’t contend for worst of the year. Not too shabby, folks. Let’s get to it.

A quick note on methodology.

As always, I’m analyzing every NFL uniform matchup and picking a winner against the spread based on who dresses best. And just because a team is ranked higher in the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings doesn’t mean it will automatically win the uniform matchup. It’s what you wear in the instant matchup that counts.

Week 2 Uniform Matchups and Picks.

Praise the Uniform Gods. The Bills are finally taking a break from the blueberry unitard and giving us the best outfit in their wardrobe. The Raiders can do no wrong, but the road uniform is a full tier below their home attire (at least when they aren’t rocking silver numbers). So long as the Bills keep giving us this look at home, they’ll keep getting the nod.

Not sure how many people had the undefeated Raiders against the winless Bills on their bingo cards, but here we are. And to be fair, we’re only one week in. Look out for this to be a huge get-right spot for Josh Allen and the Bills. And if not, prepare for hot seat talk in Buffalo.

The Pick: Bills -8.5

I had high hopes for Ravens-Bengals and even had it penciled in as a best of the week contender. But that was with the hope the Ravens would wear purple pants instead of black pants against a black jersey team.* At least Baltimore going the black practice pants route makes it an easy call: Bengals all the way.

It’s hard to imagine the quality of play being any worse for the Bengals than it was last week against the Browns. Chalk it up to Week 1 rust (they better hope it was just rust). Back in Cincinnati, it’s time to get right and avoid falling into an 0-2 divisional game hole. Lamar Jackson and the Ravens looked off as well last week but had the benefit of playing the lowly Texans. Much tougher test against the Bengals. Consider me content to be riding with the home team and only laying three.

*If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: another example of no thought going into the uniform matchup overall.

The Pick: Bengals -3

The radioactively orange Bears against the icy white Buccaneers. Decisions don’t get much easier than this one. But before crowning the Bucs, I would be remiss to not again point out that the Bears orange helmet-orange jersey outfit is the league’s prime example of “just because you can doesn’t mean you should”. As always, this doesn’t have to be hard. Tampa Bay in a landslide.

Bears at Bucs features the Bets Dressed picks for NFC North and NFC South champion. Can’t read too much into Week 1, but I’m feeling pretty great about Tampa Bay and pretty terrible about Chicago. Brutal opener for Justin Fields and the Bears offense* and I don’t see things improving much against a potent Bucs defense. Baker Mayfield brought his leadership and swagger in spades against the Vikings - including a run resulting in an Angry Runs scepter. And I think he keeps it rolling against a Bears team that still hasn’t recovered from being punched in the mouth.

*After seeing clips of Chase Claypool sleepwalking through live game reps, it’s hard to believe that the Bears gave up the 32nd overall pick in last year’s draft for him. If I ran the Bears, Claypool would’ve have been cut before reaching the locker room.

The Pick: Buccaneers -2.5

We were white pants away from Chiefs-Jaguars being a sneaky great uniform matchup. I just cannot get behind the teal unitard.* The Chiefs on the other hand can do no wrong in white. The contrast between the jersey and helmet takes their classic look to another level. And they’re the pick here.

From a football perspective, this is the game I’m most looking forward to this week. The defending Super Bowl champs against my contrarian Super Bowl pick. It’s hard to envision the Chiefs starting 0-2, but I think it’s very much in play. Trevor Lawrence is a bona fide MVP contender, Calvin Ridley is BACK, Travis Etienne is a factor back,** and the defense looks like they kicked it up a notch (especially last year’s top overall pick Travon Walker). With that being said, Kansas City is getting its second and third best players back in Travis Kelce and Chris Jones. With the Chiefs at full strength, no complaints from me to be riding with their side.

*I know the tealout is a fan favorite, so I’m not knocking the team for breaking it out every now and then. The non-neutral-color jersey over non-neutral-color pants thing just doesn’t do it for me. I am what I am.

**Shoutout Merril Hoge.

The Pick: Chiefs -3

NOTE - The Chiefs have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

After disappointing us with practice pants for the NFL Opener, the Lions redeem themselves with their flawed-yet-sharp home primaries. While I’d usually make some comment here about wanting wolf gray pants for the Seahawks, navy is the much better choice for this matchup. This is pretty solid overall for two wardrobe teams ranked in the 20s, but I’m giving the comfortable edge to Detroit.

This matchup features two teams coming off totally different Week 1 experiences. The Lions knocked off the world champs on the road, and the Seahawks got pummelled at home by a team some thought was tanking* for the first pick in the draft. However, we all must remember that Week 1 is a liar. As such, I’m admittedly a bit concerned about laying the points with the Lions. But who am I to question the Uniform Gods? Just do me a favor, Detroit, and give the ball to Jahmyr Gibbs three times as much.

*I find tanking discourse in the NFL to be exhausting. The idea that teams go out there week to week intending to lose is ridiculous. Guys are playing for their lives and livelihoods. Yes some teams aren’t going to break the bank for mid-tier free agents and will focus more on playing young, developmental players. But once that group of 53 is assembled, those dudes are playing each game to win.

The Pick: Lions -4.5

The Texans are leaning into the icy aesthetic with white jerseys, white pants, and white endzones against the Colts. As Mr. Icy White, their commitment to my bit does not go unnoticed, but I’d actually much rather see them try red pants in this matchup. Regardless, the Colts are always tough to topple in their classic home blues (albeit this time on the road).

Pairs of rookie head coaches and rookie quarterbacks* will be going at it in this one. Both the Colts and Texans have to be feeling good about their young signal callers after encouraging Week 1s. Sure, both guys lost and were overmatched by better competition, but the flashes were there. CJ Stroud was billed throughout the draft process as the safe floor guy, and Anthony Richardson was the stratospheric ceiling guy. I’m always a pro upside guy, and I’m ready to roll with Tony Bananas in this one.

*Latest updates have CJ Stroud as a game-time decision. Will be a bummer if he can’t go.

The Pick: Colts +1.5

Chargers-Titans is the most lopsided uniform matchup of the day. The best dressed team in football against the second worst. Don’t need to spend much time here - Chargers by a mile.

While the uniform matchup may be lopsided, this should be a closely contested football game. Two teams with upside trying to avoid an 0-2 start. I’m especially intrigued to see the Titans world-class run defense against a Chargers rushing attack that went for 233 yards and almost six yards per carry on the ground last week. Sure, Austin Ekeler won’t be suiting up this week. But Joshua Kelley looks more than capable of being a bellcow if needed. In these coin flip type games, I’m always hoping to be on the side with the better quarterback. And there’s no doubt Justin Herbert is that guy in this one.

The Pick: Chargers -2.5

NOTE - The Chargers have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

49ers-Rams has been a best of the week matchup before and for good reason. This is a sharp uniform game. While I typically prefer yellow pants for the Rams, blue pants are a better complement against the Niners in red and gold.* San Francisco is the clear choice, but i’m very excited to see this one on the screen.

This rematch of the 2021 NFC Championship Game should be a much better contest than originally expected coming into the 2023 season. The 49ers looked like the world-beating juggernaut many have predicted to win the NFC. But the Rams were the big surprise of Week 1 - demolishing the Seahawks 30-13 on the road. It’s an awful lot of points to lay on the road in a divisional battle, but I believe in Brock Purdy (especially when he’s flanked by the most potent arsenal of weapons in the league).

*I criticize teams when they make uniform decisions that fail to consider the uniform matchup overall. This was especially the case last week when the Rams went blue pants against the Seahawks in all navy. But credit where credit is due this week. Job well done, Rams.

The Pick: 49ers -7.5

Well would you look at that, Gang Green is actually wearing green.* The Jets are off to their best uniform start in years - elite throwbacks and a rare appearance of the green jersey over white pants. While the Cowboys still run away with this one, we’re in for a sneaky good uniform matchup. And that’s all you can ask for.

We can’t talk about this game without first touching on the loss of Aaron Rodgers for the season. What a total bummer. The Jets showed us all offseason and last week that they have a Super Bowl caliber roster, but the lack of Rodgers will be difficult to overcome.** New York’s upcoming schedule is brutal, and it starts with the buzzsaw Cowboys. After a 40-0 shellacking of the Giants, I wouldn’t expect Dallas to show mercy any time soon. Micah Parsons looked like the best player in football last week, and he’s about to eat Zach Wilson’s lunch.

*The Jets famously did not wear green below the helmet until Week 14 last season. And they did not wear green jersey over white pants even once!

**With the Vikings off to an 0-2 start, I’d do everything in my power to make a Kirk Cousins trade work. He’s a free agent next season, and the Vikings have not given any indication that he’s in the team’s long term plans. Let Kwesi lean into the tank he so obviously wants, and allow the Jets to remain in Super Bowl contention. Win-win-win.***

***Shoutout Michael Scott.

The Pick: Cowboys -9

Giants at Cardinals is a uniform matchup of unrealized potential. Gray pants for the Giants and white pants for the Cardinals and we’d be cooking with gas. But we are where we are. Until the Cardinals figure out they can pair the red jersey with white pants, it’ll be hard to envision them getting the nod in red. Giants it is.

The Cardinals Rush and Crush Defense showed some serious spunk last week, but their ineptitude on offense* was too much to overcome. The Giants were inept in every phase of the game against the Cowboys. But last year’s playoff team is too talented and too well coached to allow that effort to persist. This is an ideal get-right spot for the Giants, and they should cover comfortably.

*I still don’t understand the decision to start Josh Dobbs over Clayton Tune. Get the rookie some reps before Kyler Murray comes back this season. Learn what you have.

The Pick: Giants -4

In NFL uniform world, it doesn’t get much better than Pat the Patriot. And it’s always appreciated when New England rolls out these throwbacks against an AFC East rival. The only thing keeping this matchup from best of the year territory is the Dolphins not rising to the moment and breaking out their own throwbacks. But we take what we can get. And the aqua pants Dolphins are still a fine counterpart for the Patriots in red.

Heading into Week 2, both fanbases have to be feeling good about their respective quarterbacks. Tua looked like an MVP candidate. And Mac Jones looked like the guy who was a couple of Ja’Marr Chase nuclear explosions away from winning rookie of the year two seasons ago. I’m a big believer in Mike McDaniel and the Dolphins this year, but the Emperor himself will be on the opposing sideline for Sunday Night Football. I’ll never complain about riding with Belichick and the points in Foxboro.

The Pick: Patriots +2.5

We’ve got a Monday Night Football doubleheader this week with the Saints and Panthers getting the party started. The Saints continue to be allergic to gold pants - going with the black unitard once again. At least they make these picks easy: Carolina no matter what.

Derek Carr took care of business in his first Saints start - but he did not cover. And I’m expecting something against the Panthers. New Orleans is the better team on paper, but Carolina is at home and should keep it close in a divisional bout.

The Pick: Panthers +3

NOTE - The Panthers have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

In Part II of Monday Night Football action, the Browns are set to debut their fantastic icy white throwbacks.* With the Steelers having yet to reveal their uniform, I’m going with the power of positive thinking for them to give us their blackout** look. If the Steelers rise to the occasion, we have an early contender for best yin and yang matchup of the year. And even if they do not, this is still an excellent uniform matchup - my runner up for the week regardless of what the Steelers decide to do.

It’s hard to lay a bigger egg than the Steelers in Week 1 against the 49ers. Just a complete no-show in all phases of the game. The Browns on the other hand look like they may have one of the best defenses in the league. And their rushing attack behind Nick Chubb and that offensive line is always dangerous. If Deshaun Watson can ever regain his old form, Cleveland will be a legitimate Super Bowl threat. As for this one, the Steelers need to actually show me they deserve to be taken seriously this season. Until that happens, I’ll be fine betting the opposing side.

*Technically, the original Cleveland whiteout uniform did not feature the helmet stripe. But kudos to the Browns for not being sticklers for historical accuracy and giving us a sharper look overall.

**For my money, the Steelers have the best blackout uniform in the league.

The Pick: Browns -2.5

NOTE - The Steelers have yet to reveal their uniform.

Worst NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 2.

In a strong uniform week across the league, Commanders-Broncos is the obvious - and only - choice for worst of the week. But this is far from the worst matchup we’ll see this year. It’ll get worse, my friends.

Can’t say I’m upset to be going with the under here. The Commanders made the no-name Cardinals defense look like world beaters. And the Broncos picked up right where they left off last year: solid defense, lackluster offense, and losing a close game in the teens. I think Sean Payton will steadily improve things in Denver, but it may be a longer project than originally intended.

The Pick: Under 39

NOTE - Both teams have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Best NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 2.

I could not be more excited for Packers-Falcons. Not only is the uniform matchup elite, but the on-field product should be electric as well. Starting with the aesthetics, this is as classic and complementary as it gets. It’s always a delight when the red-helmet Falcons make an appearance, and the Packers are the perfect counterpart.

I am all the way in on the Jordan Love Packers and the Desmond Ridder Falcons. Both of these dudes just need to play point guard, not make mistakes, and get the ball to their multitudes of playmakers. This is one of those rare games where both teams have elite running games and solid defenses, but I feel great about the over. Even without Aaron Jones and Christian Watson for Green Bay, I think we’re in for a back and forth “shootout” between two efficient, multiple rushing attacks. My kind of party.

The Pick: Over 40

The Gridiron Uniform Database.

The uniform graphics you see here are courtesy of The Gridiron Uniform Database. If you’ve never paid their site a visit, stop what you’re doing right now and check it out. Best site on the Internet and an invaluable resource to uniform nerds and casuals alike.

Coming Attractions.

Another uniform week in the books. You know the drill. Back for more on Thursday.

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