Seahawks-Cowboys got Week 13 going with two elite individual uniforms and a game-of-the-year showing on the field. But we’re just getting started. We have a uniform matchup of the year contender in the early window, no false notes in the late window, a Super Bowl I classic on Sunday Night Football, and a yin and yang big cat battle to bring us home on Monday. Strap in. This is going to be fun.

A quick note on methodology.

As always, I’m analyzing every NFL uniform matchup and picking a winner against the spread based on who dresses best. And just because a team is ranked higher in the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings doesn’t mean it will automatically win the uniform matchup. It’s what you wear in the instant matchup that counts.

Week 13 Uniform Matchups and Picks.

Cardinals at Steelers with a sneaky great uniform matchup to kick us off.* The Cardinals road outfit continues to be a revelation and is among my favorite looks in the league. The Steelers boast an elite uniform in their own right, and the color combination here is as a textbook example of complementary contrast. If it was any other week, this would be a best of the week winner, but it’ll have to settle for the shortlist in Week 13. I have this one as a virtual tie, but I’m going to give the slightest of edges to Arizona courtesy of the shiny new toy effect.

The Kyler Murray arrow is pointing down. And the Kenny Pickett arrow is pointing up. It’s the nature of living week to week in the NFL news cycle. On paper, the Steelers should roll - especially when you think about the 400+ yard post-Canada Steelers offense taking on the basement dwelling Cardinals defense. But as great of a coach as Mike Tomlin is, his teams always seem to play to the level of their competition - helpful against good teams and harmful against bad teams. The Cardinals certainly fall into the bad team camp, but I’m content to take the points.**

*And the Super Bowl XLIII uniform matchup we deserved.

**Plus we’ve got a James Conner revenge game incoming.

The Pick: Cardinals +6.5

Panthers at Buccaneers is an excellent uniform matchup whenever Carolina breaks out the blue jersey. And this week is no exception. I was holding out hope for a surprise appearance of the black helmet, but beggars can’t be choosers. The Bucs always look sharp in pewter-white-pewter. But there’s no universe where I’m picking against the blue-jersey Panthers in an interim coach game.

Did someone say INTERIM COACH GAME? Say less.

The Pick: Panthers +5

NOTE - The Panthers have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Lions at Saints in a clash of practice pants. Two teams with sky high aesthetic potential kept grounded by poor uniform decision making. Silver or blue pants from the Lions and gold pants from the Saints and we would’ve been cooking with gas. I’m not mad, just disappointed. I’m calling this a flawed tie, so the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings point us to the Lions.

I don’t think anyone expected the Lions to get punched in the mouth on Thanksgiving, but it happened. I fully expect the Fightin’ Dan Campbells to apply some grit and bounce back in a major way.* The Saints have been mediocrity personified this season - especially under center. New Orleans is 17th in expected points and 20th in yards per play. With Detroit’s Top 10 run defense coming to town, Derek Carr is going to have to be the reason the Saints win or - for our purposes - cover. On behalf of Lions bettors everywhere, can’t say I’m too concerned.

*In games following a loss this season, the Lions are 2-0 with an average margin of victory of 13 points.

The Pick: Lions -4

Dolphins at Commanders. Party like it’s Super Bowl VII. Miami and Washington always pair for a nice color palette combination, but the Commanders wardrobe continues to be the league’s worst trainwreck.* The Dolphins run away with it.

The Commanders season is getting away from them, and I’m surprised that Washington hasn’t already hit the Dr. Evil chair button on Ron Rivera. The Dolphins, on the other hand, are gearing up for the home stretch with a puncher’s chance at the AFC one seed and a first-round bye. Washington has the worst passing defense in the league, so look for Mike McDaniel to take full advantage. Boat race incoming.

*I am once again asking for the Washington Redwolves.

The Pick: Dolphins -9

NOTE - The Commanders have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Colts at Titans brings us one of the most lopsided matchups of the week. The icy white Colts never disappoint while the navy unitard Titans always make us miss the old Tennessee uniforms.* Such is life in the AFC South. Indy by a mile.

If the season ended after 12 weeks, the Colts would be in the dance as the seven seed. But it’s going to take whatever magic Shane Steichen has left to get them over the finish line with the Texans, Broncos, and Bills nipping at their heels. The Titans 2023 campaign is all but over barring a miracle, and the remainder of the season will be devoted to getting Will Levis reps and scouting the 2024 draft class. The Colts won the first meeting 23-16. Let’s hope history repeats.

*We took for granted how (relatively) good we had it.

The Pick: Colts -1

The Battle Red helmet was fun while it lasted, but it’s back to navy reality for the Texans. And this contest against the Broncos is an easy selection for the worst of the week shortlist. I don’t want to pick anyone here, but we all have to do things we don’t have to do. As much as the panels for Denver drive me crazy, I’ll take the icy white Broncos and their sharp helmet logo over the generic and drab Texans.

Just five weeks ago, this showdown wasn’t on anyone’s radar as a marquee game of Week 13. But here we are. The Broncos are on a five-game winning streak, and the Young Texans have transformed into the most electric watch in the league. All Houston does these days is play close games, and I expect nothing different here. The Denver defense has returned to their 2022 form following the 70-point embarrassment in Miami. And Sean Payton has Russell Wilson playing mistake-free football. CJ Stroud is going to get his, but this should be a one-possession battle all game long. I’ll take the wily vets with the points.

The Pick: Broncos +3.5

49ers at Eagles in a rematch of the 2022 NFC Championship. Was hoping this would be one of the Kelly Green games but a strong uniform matchup nonetheless. The Niners are the easy choice, but solid marks all around.

The game of the week (and maybe the season in the NFC). Both teams have had this one circled. The Niners consider last year’s championship bout a no contest due to quarterback injuries, and the Eagles are tired of hearing about asterisks. Both offenses are Top 5 in expected points. But the edge here lies with San Francisco’s defense - fourth in defensive expected points and first in turnover percentage. Jalen Hurts may be the current betting favorite for MVP, but Fred Warner and the boys are going to have something to say about that.

The Pick: 49ers -3

We were this close to a Triple Mismatch Club showdown between the Browns and Rams. But the Rams decided to go with blue pants instead of yellow. While I still think this is a sharp look, the gradient stripe continues to be unnecessary. The Browns in orange-brown-white is as good as it gets. And Cleveland is the pick.

Ready or not, here comes Joe Flacco. From a purely comedic standpoint, there’s nothing I want more than another Flacco playoff run. The daily take shows won’t be able to contain themselves. But all kidding aside, he may be just the quarterback to save the Browns season. Cleveland is a defensive juggernaut; Flacco only needs to marshall the offense, protect the ball, and avoid mistakes. It’s hard to feel confident in his first game back against a scrappy (and playoff contending) Rams team. But, as always, in the Uniform Gods we trust.

The Pick: Browns +4

Chiefs at Packers. Party like it’s Super Bowl I. And would you look at that? The Chiefs got the memo and are rocking their fantastic icy whites to more closely capture the original Super Bowl aesthetic. Doesn’t get much more classic than Kansas City and Green Bay. And I especially enjoy this matchup with the Chiefs in road white and the Packers in home green. I’ve gone back and forth on the pick here all week, but I’m going with Kansas City for rising to the aesthetic occasion.

I was ready to write off Jordan Love a few weeks ago, and I couldn’t have been more wrong. Love is playing like a top-half starter and the Packers have more than a puncher’s chance at an NFC playoff spot. After starting 6-1, the Chiefs are 2-2 in their last four games. I still think Kansas City is the team to beat in the AFC, this Packers team can give them fits on both sides of the ball. While I expect the Chiefs to take care of business, look for Green Bay to keep it close throughout (as we sweat the cover).

The Pick: Chiefs -6

Bengals at Jaguars to close out Week 13 in an excellent yin and yang uniform matchup. Cincinnati is 3-0 when wearing the White Bengal outfit, but this will be the first time it’s donned without Joe Burrow under center. The Jags blackout look certainly gets the fans fired up, but teal pants would take things to the next level. To no one’s surprise, White Bengal forever.

It feels wrong to pay a White Bengal game without Burrow, but here we are. At least the Bengals will be getting Tee Higgins back for this one. The Jaguars have no business losing this game (and really have little excuse for not covering the number against a depleted Cincy team with little to no hope remaining). But never tell Han Solo the Uniform Gods the odds.

The Pick: Bengals +9.5

Worst NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 13.

Falcons at Jets is certainly not the worst uniform matchup of the year. But it’s the worst uniform matchup of Week 13. Others were on the shortlist, but I cannot overlook the glaring flaws of Atlanta and New York. For the Falcons, it’s the number font, ATL wordmark, and side panels. For the Jets, it’s mostly the worst primary helmet in the league.* Plus the interplay of black and green isn’t doing it for me (both within the Jets uniform and in the matchup overall).

Most people will be recoiling from disgust for game two of the 2023 Tim Boyle Experience, but I couldn’t be more excited. Sure, I’m basing this solely on the fact that we’re riding with the under here, but life is all about perspective. The Jets were dead last in expected points before intentionally downgrading at quarterback, so you do the math. And the Falcons are a Bottom 10 unit in their own right. Let there be no points.

*White facemasks would really unlock this look (and make it much more palatable).

The Pick: Under 34.5

Best NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 13.

This is it. This is the one I’ve been waiting for since Pat the Patriot made his glorious return. My number one wardrobe team against one of the greatest throwbacks in NFL history. Let the record reflect that the best uniform matchup of the year application has been received. It should also be noted that this is the best of the week regardless of the Chargers choice of pants, but I am rooting for yellow for a nice pop of contrasting color. Either way, it does not get much better than this. Sit back, enjoy, and never forget how good we have it.

The Patriots are having what may be their worst season ever. But the mojo is about to change, folks. That’s Bailey Zappe’s music, and people forget that the Patriots are undefeated (and averaging 29 points per game) starting Zappe when rocking Pat the Patriot throwbacks.* The Chargers are a mess in their own right and cannot buy a win. Bu their offense can score with the best of them - Top 10 in both points per game and expected points. It might be ugly, it likely will involve the Chargers losing in an excruciating way, but it’s all about points for us. With such a manageable number, we’ll be sitting pretty if the Chargers do what they’ve been doing and Zappe works his throwback magic.

*Admittedly it was only one game last year, but who’s counting?

The Pick: Over 39

NOTE - The Chargers have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

The Gridiron Uniform Database.

The uniform graphics you see here are courtesy of The Gridiron Uniform Database. If you’ve never paid their site a visit, stop what you’re doing right now and check it out. Best site on the Internet and an invaluable resource to uniform nerds and casuals alike.

Coming Attractions.

Another uniform week in the books. You know the drill. Back for more on Thursday.

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