In this year’s Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings issue, I noted that the NFL is in a fantastic place aesthetically. And Week 1 really reinforces that fact. Between two surprise Week 1 throwback appearances and some top notch uniform matchups, the first slate of the season does not disappoint. Sure there are some duds, and the worst of the week is a mess, but the glass continues to be half full.

A quick note on methodology.

As always, I’m analyzing every NFL uniform matchup and picking a winner against the spread based on who dresses best. And just because a team is ranked higher in the Uniform Wardrobe Power Rankings doesn’t mean it will automatically win the uniform matchup. It’s what you wear in the instant matchup that counts.

Week 1 Uniform Matchups and Picks.

Look out, folks. Here come the Purple People Eaters. Kudos to the Vikings for surprising us all and introducing throwbacks this season. And even more kudos for breaking those throwbacks out in Week 1.* The Bucs have an elite uniform of their own, but Minnesota gets the vintage nod in this one.

Exit Tom Brady. Enter Baker Mayfield. It’s a much different era in Tampa Bay, and there may be some bumps in the road early on. But I’m actually quite bullish on Baker and the Bucs and think they have a puncher’s chance in the NFC South. However, heading into U.S. Bank Stadium and knocking off the Vikings in their throwbacks is a task too tall. I’m expecting big numbers from Kirk Cousins and Justin Jefferson as Minnesota cruises to a comfortable cover.

*And one more kudos for the fantastic “Bud” patch honoring legendary Vikings coach Bud Grant.

The Pick: Vikings -5.5

A few years ago, Bengals-Browns was a clashing orange nightmare. But the Bengals uniform redesign and smarter outfit choices have made this matchup aesthetically tolerable. Cincinnati made the right choice going with the orange-capped icy whites. While the Cleveland uniforms are right up there, the Bengals edge them out in a photo finish.

It’s crisis averted for the Bengals with Joe Burrow good to go in Week 1. The AFC North is the best division in football - uniform wardrobes and all. So every division game matters,* and the loser of this one will be behind the eight ball one week in. While the Browns have won five of the last six in this rivalry, the Bengals boast the most complete roster in football heading into 2023. I think they’ll handle business accordingly.

*I wish the league would avoid scheduling division games Week 1. There’s eight divisional matchups this week - 50%! Let’s shake the rust off and let the boys get some reps against some non-divisional opponents first.

The Pick: Bengals -2.5

NOTE - The Browns have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

The Jaguars visit the Colts for the first AFC South clash of the season. It’s always disappointing when Jacksonville fails to embrace teal, but no major complaints about the uniform matchup. The Colts in blue over white pairs well with just about everything and even brings out the best in the Jaguars noir black and whites. Indianapolis in an easy one.

While I’m riding with the Colts, I’m not feeling great about it from a bank account perspective. I’m all aboard the Jags hype train. Trevor Lawrence is on the MVP shortlist. Calvin Ridley is poised to explode back on the scene. And the Jags defense is going to surprise some people. So if we have any chance of covering in this one, it’s going to take some Week 1 shenanigans. And if anyone is capable of some shenanigans, it’s my man Tony Bananas.*

*Anthony Richardson for the uninitiated.

The Pick: Colts +5

In the glass half full spirit outlined above, it’s time to celebrate this being the last year of the Texans lackluster uniforms. With the redesign on the 2024 horizon, let’s enjoy tolerate them while we can. The Ravens - rocking one of the best Triple Mismatch Club looks in the league - is the no brainer pick here.

If my optimism about Lamar Jackson and the Ravens offense wasn’t made abundantly clear with my Club SDR prop pick on Thursday, allow me to double down here. It’s going to be a full blown laser show. I’m bullish on DeMeco Ryans, CJ Stroud, and the Texans long term. But just get out of Lamar’s way in this one. 300+ total yards and 3+ total touchdowns incoming.

The Pick: Ravens -9.5

NOTE - The Texans have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Panthers-Falcons presents the much anticipated debuts of Bryce Young and Bijan Robinson. It also presents a uniform matchup that has potential in principle but is held back by Atlanta’s aesthetic flaws - ATL wordmark, goofy number font, and side panels, oh my. Carolina all the way.

While I’m excited to see the above-mentioned rookies, I’m more excited to see this Falcons offense in action for the first time.* With the Panthers defense being no joke on the other side of the ball, the winner of that struggle will likely dictate who comes out on top. The Panthers offense may have looked a little lackluster in preseason - especially up front. And just about every receiver is banged up.** But Bryce Young looked the part, and he always plays his best when the lights are brightest. I think Carolina keeps it close in a divisional battle.

*Exotic Smashmouth 2.0 is going to rule. Mustache Arthur has even designated Cordarrelle Patterson as an offensive “Joker”.

**Is that Laviska Shenault’s music I hear?

The Pick: Panthers +3.5

NOTE - The Panthers have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Titans at Saints delivers the first of Sunday’s AFC-NFC tilts.* And while i’m normally a sucker for icy whites, the Titans version still doesn’t totally do it for me. Elements of the Panelist Era remain, and the navy helmet is painfully underwhelming. The uniform matchup is there for the taking for the Saints, but they just can’t help themselves.** Give me the underwhelming icy white look over the black unitard in this one.

The Saints have been a popular NFC South pick among pundits and for good reason. Derek Carr is a step up at quarterback, and the defense is consistently underrated year over year. Chris Olave was a revelation as a rookie, and look for him to cement his status as a WR1 alpha in year two. But the Titans have all the makings of a “one last ride” team with veterans Ryan Tannehill, Derrick Henry, and DeAndre Hopkins. I can’t shake this feeling that Tennessee is going to be relevant all year long. Mike Vrabel is as good as it gets, and the AFC South is as winnable as it gets. I think they pull off an outright upset on the road.

*Wouldn’t mind seeling inter-conference play as the Week 1 standard.

**Black over gold is right there. If you have higher potential, I’m going to hold you to a higher standard.

The Pick: Titans +3

NOTE - the Saints have yet to reveal their choice of pants. But I’m reading into some black pants social media posts. I’ll eat crow if they surprise with gold pants.

It doesn’t get much more classic than Packers at Bears. But while this may be the same old uniform matchup, it’s a very different Packers-Bears era.

Say it with me Bears fans: ding, dong, the witch is dead. Aaron Rodgers is gone - far away in the AFC East. Chicago’s long nightmare is over. Or is it? Before Rodgers, Brett Favre terrorized the Bears for more than a decade. If it’s true that bad things come in threes, Jordan Love is coming to keep life miserable for Chicago. And so am I - giving the Packers the slightest edge in this uniform matchup.

The Pick: Packers +1

Oh what could’ve been with Dolphins in throwbacks. But a solid matchup nonetheless. The Dolphins color palette - especially when packaged in icy white - lends itself to sharp uniform matchups. And especially so when paired with the Chargers in any variety of powder blue. Los Angeles runs away with it, but I’m pumped to see this one on the screen.

Dolphins-Chargers has the makings of a trendy AFC Championship, and I think it could wind up as the game of the weekend. I expect both offenses to come out firing. While I’m a Tua believer, I’m happy to be riding with Justin Herbert here. The Kellen Moore OC era is upon us. And he’s going to let Herbert rip it. Look out for rookie wide receiver Quentin Johnston to announce his presence early.

The Pick: Chargers -3

NOTE - Neither team has revealed their choice of pants.

Taking a best guess at the matchup in this one. Navy unitard feels inevitable for the Patriots. But could see the Eagles going green pants instead. Regardless, Philly gets the nod.*

Potentially hot take incoming: but I have this as the NFL’s best offense taking on the NFL’s best defense. Bill Belichick heaped praise on Jalen Hurts during the week - rightfully calling him one of the two or three best players in the league. And I’m fascinated to see how he deploys Matt Judon and the boys to slow Hurts and the explosive Eagles offense. With that said, this one will likely come down to whether the New England offense can move the ball against the Philadelphia defense. The Patriots have questions at offensive line, and the group is already banged up. Jalen Carter may give us a debut for the ages.

*I’ll regret that pick if the Patriots shock me with silver pants, but I won’t hold my breath.

The Pick: Eagles -4

NOTE - Neither team has revealed their choice of pants.

I have my issues with the Seahawks navy bodysuit,* but this uniform matchup has some legitimate potential (so long as the Rams deliver on yellow pants). Even if the Rams disappoint with blue britches, they still get my vote in this one.

With Cooper Kupp out and arguably the worst overall roster in the league, things could get ugly this season for the Rams. But as we’ve touched on already, things get weird in Week 1. The Seahawks have division-winning potential, but I think Sean McVay emerges from his offseason lab with some junk ball play calls. Sign me up for Los Angeles keeping it within five points.

*The Seahawks home outfit has really grown on me when they pair the navy helmet and jersey with wolf gray pants.

The Pick: Rams +5.5

NOTE - The Rams have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Raiders at Broncos with another divisional matchup - this time an AFC West variety. The Broncos Triple Mismatch Club outfit is my favorite in their current wardrobe, but it still suffers from the dated template. The Raiders keep it simple and make this choice a no brainer.

All of the AFC West hype is (rightfully) concentrated with the Chargers and Chiefs. So the Raiders and Broncos are somewhat lost in the shuffle. The Josh McDaniels administration already feels like a lame duck, and Sean Payton is the last hope to resurrect Russell Wilson’s relevance as an NFL quarterback. This one screams anything-can-happen divisional coin flip game. And I’m perfectly content to take the points.

The Pick: Raiders +4

We’ll be ending Sunday on an aesthetic high note with Cowboys at Giants. The Cowboys are safely the pick, but a sharp matchup overall (though I will never stop bringing up how much I miss the Giants gray pants).

Dallas is the Bets Dressed pick for NFC champ this season, and I have a feeling they start things on a high note. The Giants won a playoff game last year and should be a tough out each week under standout second-year coach Brian Daboll. But the Cowboys feel like a class above from a talent standpoint. The Dak-Tony-CeeDee three headed monster has an outside shot to be the most potent trio in the league. And I like each dude to have a strong performance in this one.

The Pick: Cowboys -3.5

I was ready to give Bills-Jets best of the week. I wanted to do it. The Jets deserve it for breaking out throwbacks* in Week 1. But the Bills just can’t quit the blueberry unitard. It is what it is. New York Sack Exchange by a mile.

While I’m disappointed in the wasted uniform matchup potential, this is the marquee game of the week. Josh Allen on the road for the Aaron Rodgers Jets debut. What’s not to like? Rodgers is the Bets Dressed pick for MVP, and the Jets are very live dogs in this one. We always go by the spread in this aesthetic experiment, but the New York moneyline is awfully enticing. I think Aaron and the boys keep the good vibes from Hard Knocks going and announce their presence as both AFC East and Super Bowl contenders.

*Elite icy white throwbacks to boot.

The Pick: Jets +2.5

Worst NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 1.

No one has defended the Cardinals uniform redesign more than me. But there is no defending the red unitard* - especially when bottomed out with red practice pants. Add in the Commanders as the worst white uniform team in football, and this is an easy choice for worst of the week.

Not only is this the worst uniform matchup of the week, but it’s also the worst quarterback matchup of the week. Don Draper himself couldn’t market Josh Dobbs** vs. Sam Howell. But for our intents and purposes, it’s all about the points - more specifically, the lack thereof. And the 38-point total may be ten points too high.

The red-over-white combo is right there, Cardinals. I’ll say it now: if Arizona goes red over white in Week 3 against the Cowboys, it’s locked in as best of the week.*** Help me help you.

**I’ll never understand going with Dobbs over rookie Clayton Tune. The Cardinals have a perfect opportunity to throw Tune some live game reps and see what they have in the talented fifth rounder out of Houston.

***I will also settle for the icy whites and forcing Dallas to wear blue on the road.

The Pick: Under 38

NOTE - The Commanders have yet to reveal their choice of pants.

Best NFL Uniform Matchup of Week 1.

While I was tempted to honor the Vikings or Jets with the top matchup for breaking out throwbacks in Week 1, 49ers at Steelers was too elite to ignore. Two Top 10 uniform wardrobes in all their glory. The gold, white, and red of the Niners pair perfectly with the Steelers in black and yellow.* Safe to say I’d sign up for this Super Bowl uniform matchup right now.

Not only is this an excellent uniform matchup but it’s a great football game to boot. Two storied franchises with high expectations coming into 2023. San Francisco is on every pundit’s Super Bowl shortlist, but don’t sleep on Pittsburgh. For our purposes, it’s all about points in this one. Despite both teams boasting elite defensive units, our total is set at a very surpassable 41.

*When you hear gold pants and yellow pants, it’d be understandable to expect some clash. But no such issues in this one. The red accents of the Niners work especially well off the yellow notes of the Steelers.

The Pick: Over 41

The Gridiron Uniform Database.

The uniform graphics you see here are courtesy of The Gridiron Uniform Database. If you’ve never paid their site a visit, stop what you’re doing right now and check it out. Best site on the Internet and an invaluable resource to uniform nerds and casuals alike.

Coming Attractions.

Week 1 got us going in style, but we’re just getting started, folks. You know the drill. Back for more on Thursday.

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